Geisha School Dropout

Beyond the Bad and the Ugly, and On Birthday Suits and Birth Rights

We interrupt this stagnating front page to bring you some news!

I was honored to speak at a panel a couple weekends ago at Beyond the Bad and the Ugly: the first-ever summit on Asian American stereotypes, organized by Jeff Yang of the Wall Street Journal, hosted by the Japanese American National Museum.  Our session was called "Taming Tigers: Stereotypes in Parenting and Education," and  it was such a life-affirming experience.  My fellow panelists spoke with such heart and wisdom, and the whole room felt like one family.

I also have an essay up on the front page of BlogHer today titled "On Birthday Suits and Birth Rights," a response to Margaret Cho's recent experience at a Korean spa in Los Angeles.  It's my first piece that was thoroughly editted by a real-live editor, and I am so floored by how she made me sound like a real writer.  Please check it out!

 

Emi the Avenger

Before I introduce to you all my little pint-sized superhero, I would like to sincerely thank you for the support, love, and laughs over the years.  I started out just jotting down the weirder, less glamorous aspects of motherhood, with so much to say and not enough writing chops to express it properly.  But over the years, I feel like I've found my voice, so thank you for bearing with me.

As you may have noticed already, I remodeled a bit!  Let me know how you like it, if it meets all your Web 2.0 fantasies, etc. etc.  :P

Also, VaginaCon officially launched today!  Please check it out...it was optimized from the ground up for active interaction and discussion, and contains lots of juicy topics from a smart-ass female point of view.  If you want to look for me, my monthly column will be called "Try, Try Again," and I will be housed in the "Life is a Mother" section.  My intro piece is here, come on by and leave a note!

Okay, without further ado, presenting...Emi the Avenger!

 

Emi surveys the land, on the lookout for members of the Big Brother Brigade.

 

Hark! One approaches with a left hook and a major know-it-all attitude!

 

"Trying to fool me into giving you my chicken nuggets, are you?  Well, it's time for you to eat...my JUSTICE!"

 

Emi stands victorious! A major win for little sisters everywhere!

 

Isaac Reacts to the News

I recently came across this Forbes article by Jessica Hagy, the genius behind one of my favorite webcomics, Indexed.  It's called "Nine Dangerous Things You Were Taught in School," and it made a variety of fine points about how success later in life isn't necessarily attained by the behaviors most rewarded in a school setting: compliance, performance on standardized tests, and adherence to majority rule.

I decided to present the nine points to Isaac, our resident 2nd grader and Quintessential Good Student, as true/false questions, and this is what he had to say about them:

1. The people in charge have all the answers.

False: Because sometimes the teacher doesn't check your work and somebody else does.  That means someone else has the answer sheet.

2. Learning ends when you leave the classroom.

False: Because sometimes you have recess, then you come back to class.  Then you have to learn more.

3. The best and brightest follow the rules.

False: Because sometimes they don't follow the rules.  Then they get in trouble.

4. What the books say is always true.

False: Because most books are fiction, and fiction means that it's not true.

5. There is a very clear, single path to success.

False: Because there's more than one path.  Sometimes you learn different ways.  Sometimes you learn by reading, sometimes you learn by listening and watching, other times you just learn by following the instructions!

6. Behaving yourself is as important as getting good marks.

True: Because if you get good grades, then that means you're really working hard, and if you have good behavior, that also means you're trying to work hard and never give up.  No one wants to be the smart person who's really mean.

7. Standardized tests measure your value.

False: Because you can show your value without doing the STAR testing.  [Editor's Note: They are in the middle of STAR testing right now.]  For example, you can show it by your facial expression.  *smirk*

8. Days off are always more fun than sitting in the classroom.

False: Because you could have camps, and camps are boring sometimes!  Staying at home could be fun, but usually your parents have to work and you have to keep finding fun things to do by yourself, and that's boring.

9. The purpose of your education is your future career.

False: Because you can do dirty jobs but still get good grades.  For example, you can be really smart, but you can go be a plumber, which is kinda boring.  You can also help with sewer problems.

 

Questions from the Audience #5

Anna asks: ok then, what are you wearing?

Ha ha ha!  Too bad I didn't answer this yesterday; today I am already dressed for "the outside," so a blue and white striped t-shirt and jeans.  Most of yesterday involved a nightgown.

do you ever just walk around the house naked anymore?

Unfortunately for my childrens' eyeballs and future standards of beauty, yes.  Not as much as I used to, but in a house with just one bathroom for all 4 occupants, there are compromises that must be made to accomodate all needs.  I definitely don't flaunt it or tease them with my nudity, it's more like going to a bathhouse where sometimes it's around. 

is there anything Isaac and Emi could ever say or do that would be un-bloggable?

Oh goodness, there are lots of things they say or do that I don't blog for fear of someone getting the wrong idea.  I also try not to say anything *too* embarrassing and try to keep things upbeat, so when they eventually read my posts one day, they won't be too mortified.  And thanks to Flickr stats, any pictures that get picked up by strange sites with words like "childlove" in the URL get taken down.  *shudder*

Usually, though, things don't get reported because they're hard to translate to this medium.  Like the other day, Isaac drew a pig with a chick inside of it and the pig said, "Choink!"  That was seriously the funniest thing that happened that day, but it's not that funny spelled out like this.

do you think your blog fully represents the person you are inside?

I think it represents a longer-winded, slightly censored, more "fit for human consumption" version of myself.  Honestly, the majority of the time in "meatspace," I'm a lot more boring and quiet than the persona I have here, especially around the kids and the people I interact with because of them.  But it's not like this persona is a fabrication or a role I have to act for; since you were once my officemate, I would hope you could attest to the fact that I am absolutely raunchy and inappropriate in real life as well.

Ideally, I would like this blog to be a place where I don't get too dark and dismal, or too vanilla, or too much of anything, because I want it to be enjoyable to read, as well as provide comfort and/or companionship for people who feel the way I feel sometimes.  So I definitely think about the audience, what they might like, versus purely spouting off on whatever might be polluting my head at the moment.  I also try to balance the kid vs. non-kid posts to show that parents, although we do think about our kids a whole lot, don't think about them 100% of the time.

Crystal Renn: "Absolutely not"

Crystal Renn gave an enlightening interview to Jezebel yesterday, specifically responding to the controversy over her taping her eyes back.  Here's some choice clips:

Crystal: I've had moles painted on my face. I've had freckles painted on. I've been made lighter, I've been made tanner with makeup. It's exciting to me...It's not who I am, standing in front of the camera — something happens. I become something else. That's part of why this is a job, it's a performance. There's a whole team and tons of work that goes into 8-10 images that you see in an editorial...As a model, I have made it a big point to learn fashion references, which include different types of brows. And because I don't want to shave my brows off and have the makeup artist, or whoever, draw 'em on, we use things such as tape and makeup to fake it, basically. And to bring the look. Which might be a '20s brow. Or to take 'em away. I did a shoot with Tushmagazine and we bleached my brows away. I didn't go home like that, we dyed them back. But tape is very much the same thing.

Jenna: But just to be clear: when you say it's about "transformation," you're not talking about specific racial transformation. This wasn't about making you look Asian?

Crystal: Oh, absolutely not. We didn't even think about that on the shoot. I'm the one who suggested it, and it didn't even cross my mind. It's something that I regularly ask makeup artists, you know, if it will bring something more to the character. Offer a different face.

Jenna: But not an Asian face.

Crystal: No.

My initial response was surprise and a bit of awe to discover that Ms. Renn has that much creative control over her image; good for her.  She should get more credits to her name.

I still feel uneasy about the whole thing, though, because instead of some boneheaded attempt at racial irony, this whole thing is now smack-dab in the middle of the racial "uncanny valley," where white privilege blinds a person to the potential insensitivity of their actions (ref: "I'm the one who suggested it, and it didn't even cross my mind.").   This is where internet discussions tend to devolve into shit-flinging the most because white privilege is a difficult concept to debate rationally, but other Jezebel readers touched upon it:

Ferrette: Ok, so she's not intentionally racist. But she was pretty damn insensitive 

yfunk: Welcome to the world of the "chinky eye". It's always wonderful for Asians everywhere whenever an athlete (or entire sports team) does it, especially during a match against an Asian athlete or team. 

One gets desenstitized to the ridiculousness, but the outrage always manages to manifest for at least a few seconds. Then, the crushing feeling of defeat. 

RaisinGirl: I've also become increasingly uncomfortable at how while most people seem to understand that blackface is an offensive and outdated practice, yellowface seems to get a pass as "not really racist". 

Anyway, that's all I have to say on the matter.  No one's minds are changing, and we can chalk it up to another brick in the wall that separates me and those like me from other Americans.

Meanwhile, check this shit out.  A lot more obvious, so easier to swallow:

Where I'm From

One of my blog heroes, Jenn from "Juggling Life," posted this intriguing meme.  It is set up a little like Mad Libs, but the resulting poem is so much greater than the sum of its parts.  Here is the template; it is easy enough for kids to try, but difficult enough for me to spend a couple hours racking my brains for the right things to say, and I still consider it unfinished!

I am from frying pans with loose handles, from Spam and rice served with a glass of Orange Tang.

I am from upstairs apartments with plain white walls that smelled of garlic, fish, and fabric softener.

I am from the Rose of Sharon, the jacaranda, red geraniums in terra cotta pots, and wind-blown evergreens arched over the Pacific, east to west.

I am from piano, tennis, art, writing, math, ballet/tap/jazz, gymnastics, and swim lessons.  From Jung, who renamed herself Wendy, and Chong, who chose James.

I am from hot-tempered self-sacrificers and a people who pass down their sorrow along with their hair color.

From "pretty for a fat girl" and "smart for an airhead."

I am from a God who was absent as I fell to the depths of despair, which taught me to never mind eternity and focus on what is on earth.

I'm from "the land of morning calm," from seaweed soup and fermented vegetables covered by two layers of plastic wrap, sealed inside ceramic tupperware.

From the boy who almost lost his family at the train station while fleeing the North Korean army, the little girl who first tasted chili and cornbread from the GIs who served their rations to the children at her school, and the family who landed in the heart of Texas so their daughter could have a good life.

I am from ancestral mementos stolen by thieves, faux-leather-bound photo albums, yellowed report cards in dusty portfolios, stories retold at every gathering, flashes of unsorted memories in my mind.  I am from life lessons learned the hard way and the endless search for kindred spirits.

I encourage you and your kids to try it out for yourselves!  

Swallow Your Pride, Open Your Eyes

Emi really hit one out of the park today.  When I arrived to pick her up from preschool, she took my hand and said, "Let's dance, Mom!"  We joined hands and twirled around, singing a nonsense song that eventually led to "I'm wishing...for the one I love...to find me...today" from "Snow White."

On the ride home, I cranked up my favorite Yeasayer song, "O.N.E.," and she wrinkled her nose and asked me why I like it so much when it is so loud.  I asked if she wanted to listen to something different, and she replied, "City of Love!"  

The City of Love?  I had no idea what she was referring to.

So I went track by track on the mix CD I had in the car and we finally figured out that she was referring to "Sowing the Seeds of Love" by Tears for Fears.  

"Ohhh!!!  SEEDS of wuv!  Are you kidding me?  Seeds! Of wuv!"

"Why do you like this song, Emi?"

Then, no joke: "I like the part when they sing 'Time to eat all your worms'!"

I follow @curtsmith on Twitter, so I had to pop him a little note informing him of his 3-year-old fan.  And guess what?

Emi got RT'ed!

Very impressive work, little bee!

Say it in your best Oprah voice: a-MAAAAAAYYY-zing!

If you are confident, they will say you are arrogant.

If you are deliberate, they will say you are too sure of yourself.

If you have a sense of purpose, they will say you are self-absorbed.

If you know who you are, they will ask, “Who are you, anyway?”

If you believe in kindness and compassion, they will say you are naïve.

If you are a dreamer, they will say “join the real world.”

If you are a rebel, they will try to shut you down.

The instructions include:

rein it in
slow it down
wait it out

pull it back
take your time
play it safe

But you will know:

They are envious because they want what you have.

They are afraid of change even as they crave it.

They are projecting their own regret into resentment of you.

It’s not all bad news: some of them will sort themselves out and end up joining you. Because you are a good person and have had plenty of false starts of your own, you’ll understand and welcome them warmly. We’ve missed you! you’ll say. It’s about time you made it.

As for the others, well, you will remember what Gandhi said:

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”

------"Who You Are and What They Say," from the blog The Art of Non-Conformity

Advice, Part Two: Parenting

Pregnancy is an amazing experience.  Over 9.5 months, your body shows you what it is truly capable of, transforming in ways you never thought possible, and when that baby shoves its way out of your crotch and plops into your arms, it is indeed a miraculous moment.  And oh, the first few months of motherhood, when the world revolves around your breasts and/or bottles, the baby and its mewlings, and your bed, when life is stripped down to its purest essentials; you will remember them fondly.

Then the wee one starts moving.  That's when the real parenting starts, and the war of the wills begins.  And from what I can tell with my relationship to my mother, it never ends.

As for parenting, the most important message I really wish to put out there is that it is indeed harder than everyone thinks, but luckily, there are hundreds of ways you can be a decent parent.  There is never just one way, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  

However, don't depend on your children to magically bring joy into your life.  In fact, chances are you will be UNhappier because of it.  I think this New York Magazine article describes the emotional journey very accurately, although it sounds bleak in parts.  But hey, parenthood is simultaneously difficult, repetitive, AND seemingly interminable; in a way it embodies bleakness.  It's just not one big pile of giggles, and the people who portray that image out there, whether they are smug mom bloggers or your local PTA supermoms, are liars and really do a huge disservice to women everywhere.  I feel very strongly about this.  The worst thing a mom can face is a husband, a mother-in-law, a fellow restaurant diner, or a fellow mom judging her as weak, whiny, lazy, unfeminine, unworthy, or deserving of shame or ridicule because Mrs. XYZ does the same amount of work and never complains, and her kids are angels to boot.  Mrs. XYZ doesn't exist, I promise you that.  Don't let the myths make you feel bad about yourself.  Ever.  Don't take my word for it, take 909 Texan women's words:

Most people assume that having children will make them happier. Yet a wide variety of academic research shows that parents are not happier than their childless peers, and in many cases are less so. This finding is surprisingly consistent, showing up across a range of disciplines. Perhaps the most oft-cited datum comes from a 2004 study by Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize–winning behavioral economist, who surveyed 909 working Texas women and found that child care ranked sixteenth in pleasurability out of nineteen activities. (Among the endeavors they preferred: preparing food, watching TV, exercising, talking on the phone, napping, shopping, housework.)

I consider raising kids to be a very important job, albeit one that is 100 times more tedious than most salaried jobs.  It is also one of the most basic political acts you can do in your life.  You are saying "My worldview, my language, my people, my history are worth surviving another generation."  Although they are born with an almost-complete personality, you will eventually imbue your child with your value system, along with the dominant culture's value system.  I know that sounds like a lot of pressure, but those are the stakes!

All in all, parenting really takes a toll on your body and soul, but if you choose to learn the life lessons flung at you like chimp poo, you will be stronger and overall be a better person because of it.  Your heart is going to be ripped out of your chest and trampled on multiple times a week, but somehow you will find the strength within yourself to sign up for another day.  It might be love, it might be a Stockholm Syndrome thing, but it's real.

Isaac Answers the Proust Questionnaire, Age 6

 

I didn't feel right after interviewing Isaac on Thursday because all the questions were mom-centric and therefore his true character didn't get a chance to shine through.   And because I am participating in this month's NaBloPoMo challenge of writing at least one post a day, and choosing to interpret the theme of "SAVED" as saving at least one memory a day lest I overlook and eventually forget the everyday beauty of my 6-year-old boy and 3-year-old girl, here is another interview, this time with the Proust Questionnaire.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
When I be a good student [sic] and I learn a lot of stuff.

2. What is your greatest fear?
About fighting a bully!

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
(explained as a bad habit) Like when I don't win a game or something, then I get jealous.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
(explained as a bad habit other people have) Well, C-- likes to fight a lot of the time, and this boy that has freckles all over his face with a cap on, he's a little bit mean.

5. Which living person do you most admire?
(explained as really cool) Well, D--'s halfway because he's half kind and half silliness. And Ca-- is the same too. And F-- too. And E-- and K--. And the two chicks. And Daddy. And Emily. And you. And myself.

6. What is your greatest extravagance?
(explained as most expensive thing he likes to do) To play with my little laptop thing. It's not the baby one, but the blue one. And there's like 22 games that you can play, but some of them are just telling you just some words and stuff.

7. What is your current state of mind?
(explained as how do you feel right now) Happy.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
(explained as something people think is really good, but isn't that great) At my archery classes and at my abstract I'm not very good.

9. On what occasion do you lie?
I lie on Mr. Dan [his summer camp counselor] one time and I lie to my parents a lot too.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
When my toes fall asleep, it hurts.

11. Which living person do you most despise?
SKIPPED

12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
I like boys that are nice and kind.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
I like girls who share jokes but not a lot and not laugh too much.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Like, a, and I, and me. And my.

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Maggie?

16. When and where were you happiest?
Hawaii.

17. Which talent would you most like to have?
Archery.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
To not lie.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Being a grown-up boy.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
To be a hawk. Because I want to be like an animal that can eat a lot of food because I'm always hungry!

21. Where would you most like to live?
When I'm the animal? No? Um, in a haystack. Or maybe a straw house.

22. What is your most treasured possession?
My Leapster 2 game!

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
(explained as what is the saddest thing you can think of) When the ant died in "Honey I Shrunk the Kids". [editor's note: he BAWLED at the scene where the ant died defending them against a scorpion.  It was so incredibly sweet at the time, but I couldn't believe he remembered it!]

24. What is your favorite occupation?
To just read books and do games.

25. What is your most marked characteristic?
I have the same hair as you.

26. What do you most value in your friends?
When I play with them in the pool.

27. Who are your favorite writers?
Eric Carle who wrote "The Very Hungry Caterpillar."

28. Who is your hero of fiction?
Phineas and Ferb.

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
SKIPPED

30. Who are your heroes in real life?
Well, you're a hero. And Daddy's a hero. And a lifeguard's a hero.

31. What are your favorite names?
Tristan, Mr. Dan.

32. What is it that you most dislike?
When my little sister accidentally does something bad.

33. What is your greatest regret?
(explained as something he should have done differently) When I lied to Mr. Dan.

34. How would you like to die?
I don't wanna die!

35. What is your motto?
(explained as what do you tell yourself over and over) I have a helping hand.

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Isaac, after he answered all the questions, said "Whew, now I feel more like a 2nd grader!"

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I actually answered the Proust Questionnaire myself a year and a half ago; you can see my answers here.