Geisha School Dropout

Signs Daenerys Targaryen is Actually Asian

Tim and I are huge Game of Thrones fans, and the final scenes of this week's episode sent us into fits of fanboy glee.  Without giving too much away, Daenerys Targaryen, tiny little Mother of Dragons, kicked major ass.

In the series, the character is played by British actress Emilia Clarke and the UK's entire supply of lip-plumping gloss, but I think she just might be Asian, at least on the inside.  I present my evidence below:

1. Daenerys has silver-blonde hair, violet eyes, and dark eyebrows.  You know who also had blonde hair, violet contact lenses, and dark eyebrows?  Any Asian girl in her early college years.

Those eyebrows don't lie: total bottle blonde.

2. Daenerys married a foreign man who was much more sexually experienced than she was.  When confronted by her own sexual ignorance, what did she do? SHE GOT A TUTOR.  I totally would have too, and my mom would have paid for it.

There's a cram school for everything these days.

3. Girlfriend is not afraid to eat blood and organ meat.  She once ate a raw horse heart with an enthusiasm that would make any tiger mom proud.  

And she did this while pregnant with a son! Bonus tiger mom points.

4. She can spend the night inside a bonfire like it's no big deal (thus earning her the title The Unburnt).  At the Korean sauna, there is one especially hot room called the bulgama which is usually set to 200 degrees Fahrenheit, and little grandmas hang out in there like that's no big deal.  (True story: one time, Tim braved the bulgama but forgot to take off his glasses beforehand.  When he came out, he noticed odd things with his vision...it turned out his LENSES MELTED.)

Dany awaits her scrub-down at the jjimjilbang.

5. She has a tendency to fall in love with and adopt everything she runs into: dragon eggs, the Dothraki horde, slave armies, etc.  But sometimes, she has trouble taking care of them all.  I also have a problem with this, although I don't know if this is a generalized Asian tendency.  Let's discuss.

Dragons bring her luck, just like any good Asian!

6. (WARNING: this one is spoiler-ish) In this last episode, Daenarys totally pulled the Asian trick where people were talking shit about her in Valyrian, thinking she wouldn't understand, and she went along with it until the time came for her to make her move.  Then she busts out with fluent Valyrian, and rubs their ignorance in their faces with savoir flare, heh heh heh.  I've totally done that with both English and Spanish before.  Sometimes you gotta let the stereotypes work for you, you know?

How do you say "You're so fucked" in YOUR language?

Why, Hello There

I would wish you a happy new year, but seeing that it's already February, I'll wish you a happy President's Day instead!

So, what's going on in House Mang?

Emi is doing GREAT in school, thanks to a multi-pronged strategy that includes:

1. Pulling her out of the on-site afterschool program and having her picked up and taken care of by one of my best friends and supernanny extraordinaire until Isaac comes home from school.

2. Tim taking over the morning routine, since he has a lighter touch with Emi than I do at that hour.  I'm a cranky drill sargeant ("Move IT move IT!") and he's more reasonable.  Plus, he and Emi get to bond and she feels more secure about her world as a whole, and feels less of the need to act out for attention.  It's all very awwwwwww.

3. The leaps she made in therapy about identifying and coping with the huge emotions she feels.  In fact, she's so much happier now, we went down to seeing the counselor once every two weeks, and next week's session will be a "goodbye-for-now" session!

Emi still gets into tiny bits of trouble at school, but it's for things that seem refreshingly normal: talking to the person behind her in line, forgetting to raise her hand, and one time she didn't come home with a good behavior slip because she made a snoring noise because she thought a story was boring.

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Isaac is slowly turning into a tween.  Sometimes, he stiffens when I grab his head to kiss the top when I drop him off at school, or he snaps back at me when he feels unjustly chastised.  Other times, he starts stammering and falling over himself when he encounters a pretty girl (usually MUCH older than him, harrumph).  He just started up a new season of his basketball league, his class is currently working on a musical, he just finished up reports on the Island Fox (California's only native carnivore, found only on the Channel Islands, didn't ya know) and Marco Polo.  For a while, he was devouring the Harry Potter books, but stopped near the beginning of Order of the Phoenix, which I actually think is appropriate for his current stage of emotional maturity.  He is currently reading books like the How to Train Your Dragon series, the Warriors series, and Dragon Rider.

The other day, I was getting ready to assemble a digital piano, and as Tim rushed over to help me, Isaac shooed him away, saying "This is woman's work!"  Since when was working with heavy pieces of furniture woman's work!?!?!?  So, later on, I decided to pick his brain a bit about gender roles.  Interpret as you will, because I just crawled up into a ball and rocked myself back and forth:

Me: So...working with assembling furniture is woman's work, eh?

Isaac: Yup!  It's because you are careful and Daddy does not read the instructions.

Me: What else is woman's work?  How about cooking and washing the dishes?

Isaac: Daddy washes the dishes.  And the cooks at Polly's Pies are men.

Me: Hey!  I cook at home too!  How about earning money?

Isaac: You both earn money.  But Daddy earns more money.

Me:  Why do you think that is?

Isaac: Because women earn 70 cents for every dollar a man earns for the same job.  Which is weird, because I think women do most of the real work, and men stand around and make plans and blueprints and say, "What if we did this?  What if we tried that?" and then laugh really loud, which doesn't seem like real work.

Me: Where on earth did you get this impression?

Isaac: At Daddy's office.

Me: I work too, but at home.  And I work hard, even though I'm often in my pajamas.  Do you think that's real work?

Isaac: Yeah, I know that because you yell at me to leave you alone when I ask you if I can watch TV.

Me: ...  Sorry about that.

Isaac: It's okay.

Me: So when you grow up and become a man, you expect to stand around and make plans?

Isaac: No, I'd rather work with all the women.

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As for me, I'm doing well.  I still get excited about a lot of shit, currently I am gagging over the current season of "RuPaul's Drag Race."  I'm rooting for Detox, Honey Mahogany, and Jinkx Monsoon.  I want to marry Ivy Winters because he looks like a young Morrissey and dresses like the 11th Doctor.  Which reminds me...I will be attending Gallifrey One this weekend; really looking forward to it, as it will be my first one!

Just caught up with "Game of Thrones" and "Sherlock," and I don't think my nervous system can handle cliffhangers anymore.  

My alma mater won the Rose Bowl this year, and we were there to witness it in person!  It was so much fun!

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Tim is only slightly mortified by the props given to his singing voice.  He's still totally hot.

Heeeeeeey, Sexy Lady!

Harry Shum Jr. of "Glee" fame delightfully photobombs his co-stars...Gangnam style.  Love it!!! (h/t Angry Asian Man)

Watch it, Ombré

The days seem to be flying past as spring turns into summer.  Here's a break-down of what's been occupying our household this season:

1. New Hair

After almost  year of lying fallow, my poor noggin finally got some attention.  I opted for a dark brown to red ombré, and I really like how it turned out!  I can't wait until the more subtle red fades away so I can cast it with something more punky.  (PS: I used this coupon for 20% off services at Carlton salons.  Feel free to take for yourself!)

       

2. Another Avatar

The creators of "Avatar: The Last Airbender" have struck a home run again with their new series, "The Legend of Korra."  This time, the avatar is a 17-year-old girl from the southern Water Tribe, and I freaking love her.  She's brash, hot-headed, stubborn, and confident, which of course reminds me of a certain female quappa member of our household.  They even look similar (although Korra has a water bender's trademark blue eyes)!  As final proof, I submit to you this clip:

Totally Emi, right?  Right.

3. The end of the school year

Speaking of our little avatar, Emi's last day of Pre-K is tomorrow.  I am more than a bit weepy at the thought of my baby girl finally graduating from schools that can kick her out!  Long live public education, where kids are pretty much stuck there (well, at least without a lot of legalese pomp and circumstance).  Whew.  A long, long saga will come to a close tomorrow, that's for sure.

4. Barbie

An old friend of mine just left his job at Mattel, and on the way out he snatched a literal trunkload of toys for the kids.  I expected Emi to be in Barbie heaven, and she is, but I did not predict that we had another Barbie fan:

That's right, Oscar and Barbie are major lovey BFFs.

Their relationship is a bit kinky, though.

So...let me know what you guys are up to!  Is school out for you already, and how are you spending your days?

I'd Rather Be Watching "Downton Abbey"

No real post for today?  Fer fuck's sake.

Lady Grantham, please accept my sincerest and gravest apologies.  You see, I am drunk and want to watch TV.  Your show, in fact.  I'm so drunk and want to get off on retro English awkward silences and imagine kissing their stiff upper lips and fantasize about their privileged sweat dripping onto my abdomen.

Don't worry Mary, I'll stay away from all Turkish diplomats.

Argh, I suck.

Point taken.

GIVEAWAY SUNDAY: I Wanna Do Bad Things With You

Okay, Glamazons!  Today's giveaway is a Tarte for True Blood eye makeup palette:

Image from A Brilliant Brunette

I bought this a few months ago and although I've opened the box and looked upon it lovingly many times, I actually haven't used it.  So I am giving it away, hopefully to someone who can do it more justice than creepy staring.

The palette contains 17 full-size eyeshadows, ranging from everyday natural to glittery fabulous, primer, aqua gel eyeliner, and mascara. Because it was limited edition, it is no longer for sale in retail stores, but right now it's going for about $80 on eBay.  

So, what I want to know is: Which character on "True Blood" would you most like to do bad things with?

You know the deal: Comment below to enter to win!  I will randomly draw a winner on Friday.  Good luck!

PS: Although I love me some Eric AND Bill, I'd have to go for Pam first.  She's so fierce and she swings my way?  Jackpot!

Questions from the Audience #4

Erin asks: If you had a day to do whatever (and whoever) you wanted without consequences, barring any obstacles or even physics or the laws of time and space, what would you do?

 Two words, my friend: SMITHS REUNION.

Morrissey and Marr: I can make them get back together, I know it!

After that, I would definitely take the day off, send the kids to school, and bend space-time to accomodate a lot of hedonism and world travel.  I'd flag down The Doctor (not the current one, but David Tennant, ohoho yes) and make him take me all over the universe in a blue Police Box.  I'd definitely visit my friends strewn across our little blue planet and invite them to join us.

Mmmmm...lovely

The day would culminate in a Last Supper-themed feast/rave/orgy/photo shoot styled by David LaChappelle where Morrissey is Jesus, I am the Virgin Mary, and the apostles are my favorite drag queens and members of the Stone Roses.  Lady Gaga will be Magdalene, washing everyone's feet with her mouth.  There would be  real flying cherubim and the spread would be epic: Moroccan, Ethiopian, Korean, Indian, Greek, Mexican, and those are just the models, dahling!  The food would be even more delicious.  Vomitorium would be off to the right, of course.

Because of the time travel aspect, I have to assume this already happened because LaChappelle has already captured it:

Lessons Learned from Christina Aguilera

My blogroll and Twitter feed were abuzz with comments about Christina Aguilera's performance of the National Anthem on Sunday's Super Bowl.  I actually missed the game, deciding instead to go to Disneyland, but I had to check it out for myself:

All I could think of was, "WTF." But not "Christina Aguilera, WTF," but rather "America, WTF."

In today's nano-judged world, where you can elicit a million belly laughs by pasting the word "FAIL" in white sans serif font on any image, and where even the world's most beautiful people supposedly need the help of a Photoshop expert every time they pose for pictures, Ms. Aguilera's lyrical gaffe is more than enough to fill one's social media tittering quota for the day.

But do you want to know what I saw in this video?  I saw a consummate professional teaching us a lesson on how to handle crisis.

Po Bronson, in his book Nurture Shock, introduced me to the concept of stick-to-itiveness.  It turns out that when we praise our kids for being smart or fast or any other innate talent, we don't actually raise their self-esteem; by praising something that seems to be "either you got it or you don't," kids feel powerless when faced with challenges and actually feel less confident in their abilities to overcome the challenges.  Rather, if you praise the kids' effort and stick-to-itiveness, they feel motivated to put in further effort, i.e., something they are in control of.  A quick summary of the book can be read here.

I am always looking for ways I can teach stick-to-itiveness to my kids because I am a person constantly crippled by the spectre of perfection.  As Voltaire said, "The perfect is the enemy of the good."  And Christina Aguilera's performance was a great example of the amazing good that can come out of imperfection.

I think while she was singing that line, Ms. Aguilera knew she messed up.  Of course she did; she has sung the National Anthem countless times before.  And without pausing, starting over, apologizing, or in any way pulling the focus away from the song itself, she decided to let her mistake go and corrected the lyrics mid-sentence.  She didn't even stop the note she was on.  In front of tens of millions of live witnesses, she just. kept. singing.  That is PhD-level stick-to-itiveness, and that is what separates her from lesser entertainers and performers of every stripe, and that is what we should be focusing on if we want to show our kids how to truly succeed in life.

Dory knew it all along!

Couch Potatoes

What do you do the day after an epic 7th birthday bash?

This.

Lazy Sunday "Dirty Jobs" marathon

I Went Mad for "Mad Men"

 
 The Original Desperate Housewife

I recently finished all three seasons of "Mad Men," cramming 2-3 episodes a night alone in the bedroom while Tim and the kids were asleep.  Well, to be truly accurate, I watched them with Rosie and Cheep Cheep.  Jon Hamm gets all the chicks, I swear.

I actually watched the first season last year.  After I finished it, all I felt was this deep anger.  Watching Betty Draper's suffocating life as a 60's housewife made me feel suffocated in empathy.  Every time I was left alone with the children, I felt her resentment and loneliness too.  When I interacted with Tim, I felt this compelling need to be ultra-charming and proper, setting my face into a tight smile the way the wives did in the show.  I wanted to tear my hair out when I didn't have dinner on the table right when Tim got home, or if I forgot to pack something in Isaac's backpack.  I wondered to myself how I would be able to tell whether Tim had affairs at work or not.  It affected me so deeply, I had to take a break from the show for several months.

However, people whom I respect still kept talking about "Mad Men," and with the fourth season starting up this summer, I decided to give season 2 a chance.  I finally was able to get to know the characters and how they carved out these lives during such a difficult era.  I was even able to imagine my own self fitting into that society.  Granted, there wasn't a single Asian person besides that hot waitress at the Chinese restaurant, but before, I just couldn't believe my spirit could survive in that climate at all.  But now I can see glimpses of today's "modern woman" in the female characters: Joan's unflappable competence and titanium spine, Peggy's desires to please and to disentangle herself from her family, Mona's privileged bemusement and wit, and yes, even Betty's ice-cold, doe-eyed martyrdom.

There are a few downsides to this show, in my opinion.  First and foremost, I can't stop thinking about smoking.  I quit shortly after I graduated from college (to all you coders out there, isn't the 2 a.m. cigarette break after finally fixing a nagging bug a true religious experience?), but I am extremely tempted to start up again.  Also, since I work from home, I keep passing by our booze stash and wondering if whiskey truly helps bring out creativity and focus as it is portrayed in the show.  Honestly, that ad agency should be called Cigarettes and Alcohol instead of Sterling and Cooper.  Maybe the show is even funded by tobacco and booze corporations, who knows?  The third thing is that I want to wear those clothes.  But in order to really wear the kind of garments those women wore, you'd have to have a brick house body or some really strong foundational garments.  I actually found out what company the actresses use, and am tempted to buy this monstrosity:

 
 Where does the pee go?

My only complaint is that the bra part isn't bullet-y enough to make me a Joan.  But then again, no one on earth looks like Joan except for Christina Hendricks.  Rowr!

 
 Danger: Curves Ahead

Sigh.  I would have loved to try to make my way through the 60's.  I would have made a hell of a secretary.