Yesterday, out of his own accord, Isaac made a little tombstone for Dr. Evil. As we stood by her "grave," Isaac teared up a little, but we hugged and I made sure to let him know how proud I was to see how he was becoming such a thoughtful, caring person. I choked on the words at first, because I was so fearful of being cheesy or disingenuous; the words "I am so proud of you" seemed too earnest to be true. I really need to let go of that paralyzing fear of trite phrases. Just because they're said a lot doesn't take away the sentiment, if the sentiment is real.
I think this year I will work on being more affectionate to my family. I realized recently that there are days that I don't kiss or hug Tim or the kids, and that's bad. I'm also going to focus on resilience. Grace under fire, the coolness of a cucumber, a person of whom Ma Ingalls would approve.
In the evening, we dropped the kids off with my parents (the third time in that many years!) so we could go to the Magic Castle. It took us two hours to get to Hollywood when we budgeted one hour, so our friends were waiting for us outside. But once we uttered the magic words, the lobby bookcase opened up and this incredible enchanted evening commenced.
It felt so amazing to hang out with my old friends (three girls I've known since elementary and junior high school and two of our significant others), it seriously felt like it was the day after high school graduation and we were just picking up where we left off. I can't recall the last time it was so easy to converse with a group of people, and I definitely felt this teenage thrill every time I saw them take a sip of their wine or talk about sex or men or "Dexter." We were being so naughty and talking about grown-up stuff! Then brainflash: we ARE grown-ups! Whoooooaaaa. I never believed I would have lived to see this happen. Note to 21-year-old suicidal self: 32-year-old self thanks you for sticking it out.
There has been a lot of buzz around the "It Gets Better" project, and deservedly so. I really believe it will save lives. Last night was my "It Got Better" moment. No matter how much time has passed or what hardship has altered you, there are people who knew the real, purer, happier you and will be able to still see that part of you, even if you are not able to see that part in yourself. Once a friend, always a friend, and I am so relieved and lucky and grateful to have witnessed it for myself.
When I look back 50 years from now on 2009, I think I will see it as a year of personal growth and maturation. I finally got to work on some things about myself that have bothered me for years, even decades. I finally proved to myself that I wouldn't keel over and die if I went to the gym once in a while, that sometimes the best way to get the kids to do what you say is to ask them nicely instead of demanding their obedience, that some personal satisfaction does come when cleaning off a cluttered surface. That is definitely not to say that my house is ever clean, mind you, but at least some stuff gets done without Tim threatening to leave me to one day get crushed under my own junk.
1. Make sure my family has a nice home-cooked meal at least 5 nights out of the week. Take-out doesn't count. However, any meal cooked by my mom (or any other kind soul) definitely counts. Concentrate on eating seasonally, locally, and start enforcing a more vegetable-rich diet.
I had high hopes for this resolution and started off strong; I had this great rhythm and I was chug-chug-chugging along, forcing Tim and the kids to swallow down any half-cocked (or sometimes half-cooked) swill I dared to set down upon the dinner table. But when kindergarten started, the train started derailing, then the holidays came and everything went to shit, and now we're back to eating out more than we eat in again. I shall re-resolve to do this again in 2010.
2. Enjoy the outdoors more. Get out and walk. Take the kids with me. Invite a friend. Each time, bring a small bag and pick up some trash.
Insert losing buzzer sound here. I found that hikes just take too much time and don't give much of a workout when going at a kids' pace. I instead started practicing yoga and going to the gym.
3. Once Isaac starts kindergarten, become active in his education and volunteer at his school. Make sure minorities are represented adequately, because I have a nagging feeling that they currently aren't.
I've been volunteering once a week in the classroom, which I hear means the most for kids Isaac's age. I also volunteered to help put on a Red Cross blood drive which will take place in February as well as helped with a last-minute coat and toy drive for a LBUSD school for homeless children. I give myself a solid A here.
4. Make a monthly donation of extra clothes/food/furniture somewhere local. If there's nothing to give, give money.
Success here as well. Here is a list of the organizations I donated to each month, although most of it wasn't local.
January: 1 unit blood, Emily clothes to Salvation Army February: Julie clothes (inc. maternity) to Goodwill March: $$$ to spcaLA April: 1 unit blood, $$$ to Kiva May: $$$ to Best Friends in memory of Riley June: $$$ to USO July: 1 unit blood, $$$ to Breast Cancer 3-Day on behalf of Nanea August: $$$ to Oceanic Preservation Society September: $$$ to Kiva October: 1 unit blood, $$$ to AIDS Walk on behalf of Matthew, Emi/Tim clothes to Goodwill November: $$$ to Courage to Resist on behalf of Alexis Hutchinson December: Aforementioned school for homeless children, $$$ to Silicon Valley Community Foundation, $$$ to Food Bank of So Cal, $$$ to Meals on Wheels
Hey! You know what I just discovered? That resolutions done successfully create life-long habits. Which I guess is the whole point of resolutions. Seems painfully obvious, right? But it just occurred to me. Duh!
So today is my birthday! To celebrate, Tim and I are going out to grab some Ethiopian food tonight. That's it! And I'm very happy.
I guess this quiet haze of contentment stems from the fact that I finally kept a promise to myself: I started working out a couple weeks ago. The first couple workouts were fine, the third left me curled up on the floor, dry-heaving and almost soiling myself, and the fourth was almost...enjoyable? Dare I say that out loud?
For someone who is as sweat-averse as I am, making it even this far is a huge milestone. I meet with my trainer on Mondays and Wednesdays, and she, the former ballet dancer, has re-introduced me to parts of my body that haven't received any attention in years. Ow! Hello, abdominal muscles! Oof! Nice to see you again, triceps, what's shakin'? But apparently, the pain is a good thing. Healthy people have such fucked up moral codes, don't they?
I don't have any specific weight loss goals in mind, I'm mostly doing it to feel healthier and have more energy. And so far, the only progress I see is that I can do a few more crunches before I pass out. But I'll be sure to post a picture of my 6-pack next month. LOL!
One of my main resolutions this year was to cook dinner at home at least 5 nights a week. I'm really proud to say that so far I've stuck to it, but not so proud to discover that my family does not really appreciate my cooking. Sure, Tim is old enough to swallow down whatever I plop down on the table. But the kids usually will have a couple nibbles and beg off.
At first we figured the kids weren't that hungry. Maybe they fill up at school, or they aren't in the middle of any growth spurts. Sure, not every kid goes gaga over artichoke and mushroom fettucine, but if we keep offering them vegetables, legumes, and whole grains, they're bound to appreciate the from-scratch, mostly-organic meals I spend 1-2 hours cooking one day, right? Still, two months passed with poor results. Emily sometimes woke up at the wee hours of dawn, crying from hunger.
The last straw came over the weekend. I made a delicious arroz con pollo, but instead of rice, I used barley. I thought it was awesome. Tim smiled politely and chewed on. Isaac gobbled down his chicken but eschewed the "weird rice." Emily, who normally is a rice fanatic, threw her bowl to the floor, screeching in indignation. That's when it hit me: who am I cooking these crazy meals for? Sure, I want my family to eat healthier, but is it really my right to make every dinner an experiment? Is it tough love or just pigheaded to force my kids to expand their palates, or else starve?
As I cleared the table that night, I resolved to take things down a notch. Out of the 5 nights I cook, I'll make 2 of them kid-friendly. And no, whole wheat macaroni with aged gouda and goat cheese does not count.
So tonight was hot dog night. Well, I grilled up some leftover Italian sausages as well, and the buns were whole wheat (I know I know, I'm a stubborn bitch). But get this: Emily, who normally doesn't eat meat at all, ate THREE weiners (no buns). Isaac had 3 whole hot dogs with ketchup and mustard slathered all over them. Tim and I barely had enough to eat ourselves! Throughout the meal, Isaac and Emily exclaimed "Yummmm!!! Thank you Mama!!! Thank you for this yummy dinner!" and we had great dinner conversation, instead of the normal squeezing-out-of-information. Emily even clapped and sang for her supper. And I am sure she'll sleep well tonight.
Of course, this was a big blow to my culinary ego, but this evening was what I was searching for when I first made my resolution. Fine, I won't be able to try out the vegetarian quinoa tabbouleh I had my eye on for a while, but at least I'll have an excuse for the corn dogs in my shopping cart.
So last year I resolved not to buy a stitch of clothing for myself. I almost made it through the year, until for a December company holiday party my tried-and-true Old Navy black slacks ripped in the crotch!!! And not along the seam either, it just ripped (probably due to the fact that my vaginal secretions are made of the same substance as a poison dart frog's). So off I went to buy another pair of black pants and I came home with...two pairs of pants...and a sweater. Me and my goddamn willpower! But still, all the way to December is not too shabby, right?
So this year, in the spirit of Obama's upcoming inauguration and his call for each American citizen to contribute more to their communities, I offer the following resolutions:
1. Make sure my family has a nice home-cooked meal at least 5 nights out of the week. Take-out doesn't count. However, any meal cooked by my mom (or any other kind soul) definitely counts. Concentrate on eating seasonally, locally, and start enforcing a more vegetable-rich diet.
2. Enjoy the outdoors more. Get out and walk. Take the kids with me. Invite a friend. Each time, bring a small bag and pick up some trash.
3. Once Isaac starts kindergarten, become active in his education and volunteer at his school. Make sure minorities are represented adequately, because I have a nagging feeling that they currently aren't.
4. Make a monthly donation of extra clothes/food/furniture somewhere local. If there's nothing to give, give money.
Today is my 30th birthday. According to my teenage doomsday clock, I have 5 more years on this planet before I join Jesus and Kurt Cobain in the Great Big McDonald's in the Sky.
Last year, I made some resolutions that I swore to myself I was going to keep. Let's see how I did! ------------------------------------------ November 3, 2007 - Saturday
5 Resolutions For My Next Year of Existence
Tomorrow
I turn 29. End of an era. Gone are my carefree days of unbridled
youth. I need to fucking shape up or ship out! Here's how I intend to
do it:
1. Finally get into relatively healthy shape. I've been
on this slow roller coaster (of course, partially due to
pregnancy/birth/etc.) of weight loss/gain, and my midsection resembles
a lumpy waterbed. Not pretty, but more importantly, not healthy. This
year I want to at least put up a good fight.
Absolutely no progress here, although I don't think I've gained weight. Yup, midsection is still a waterbed. It is still on the forefront of my mind, though; I will work on this.
2. Be a better
friend. Whether it is being more responsive to email, commenting on
people's blog posts, inviting more people over for dinner, etc., if I
crave more communion with people, I need to make more of an effort to
make them feel welcome. Just because I treasure someone very deeply
doesn't mean they automatically know it.
I think I've made some progress here. Mostly thanks to Facebook, I've been more in touch with more people than I've been in my life. There are a few stragglers I need to hunt down, but overall I've been visiting people more, even flying out to see them. There is definitely more progress to be made, but this resolution I can definitely say has stayed with me all year.
3. Be more interesting
and kind to Tim. I'm starting to nestle into a rut of comfortable
lethargy in this realm. Regarding interesting: I stopped reading books
and stopped being the "student of life" I claimed I was when we first
met. Granted, there is plenty of good reason for this, but I can
definitely do better. Regarding kind: I gotta stop trying to entertain
my bored cranium through nitpicking and taunting Tim. It's very
destructive!
Ugh, this past year has been pretty tumultuous for us. Things are on an up-swing, though, and as the kids get older and more independent, hopefully things will just get smoother and smoother.
4. Transform my home (wherever it may be) into a
real sanctuary. I need to stop treating it like a crash pad, with
different levels of laundry piled on the ground, random pieces of
plastic strewn about, cluttered and anonymous and unwelcoming. We've
lived in this place for 1.5 years, the longest we've been in one place
ever, and I need to invest some time organizing and decorating our
house to finally make it a Mang Home. Of course there are trust issues
at play, like I subliminally believe we'll pack up and go at any
minute; I need to let it go, let it flow, la dee da, la dee da.
This one is interesting! We finally were able to buy our first home this year, and I think in many ways it has become our Mang sanctuary. It's still messy most of the time, but thanks to a stellar cleaning crew, every 2 weeks the place gets a facelift and it encourages me to pick up after myself and the kids a bit more enthusiastically than before.
5.
Keep blogging so I can remember these years. I went out with some
college friends last night and I couldn't remember hardly anything
about my junior year of college. I was in a haze of antidepressants,
antipsychotics, and extreme stress; I lost a year of my life to that,
and it pisses me off. When I go crazy the next time, I can write about
it along the way, if only to provide entertainment to people.
I've nailed this one on the head. I can't stop blogging even if I wanted to! I hope I'm writing down enough stuff and hopefully I can keep working on my writing quality. This has a secondary effect in which I actually force myself to do more interesting things in order to actually have stuff to write about.
------------------------------------------
Overall, at least I'm moving in a forward direction, but there is definitely a lot of work left.
The first half of my 20's were spent in a strange place, simultaneously self-indulgent and self-punishing. The second half, I was thrust head-first into the world of motherhood and felt like I was playing catch-up all the time. If I had to wrap up my 20's under one major theme, it would probably be "Not quite there." In other words, if every day can be compared to a journey to somewhere potentially fantastic, some days I would wake up late and miss my flight, other days I didn't pack appropriately, other days were total plane crashes. I never got to the destination, or if I did, it would be completely by accident and I wasn't able to enjoy anything.
My friends all claim that the 30's are much better than the 20's and I hope to prove them right. 10 years from today, when I turn 40, I hope to look back and actually see someone who grew into herself and felt comfortable in her own skin.
This year I'm going to try something new. I am not going to buy a
single new article of clothing for myself this year. I have gathered a
decent stockpile of clothes already, so I definitely don't need
anything. And if I end up needing something, which I seriously doubt,
I'll get it used.
This comes with some interesting side-benefits:
1.
I will probably be forced to look inside all the moving boxes (that
have been sitting in my closet for 1.5 years) to look for more esoteric
items, like business suits. In the process I'll probably be moved to
organize!
2. I will take better care of my clothes, and
eliminate one major area of wasteful thinking (i.e., "Oh, that stain
won't come off after one wash? Off it goes and off to Target for a
cheap replacement!")
3. I can't gain weight. My clothes are
tight right now, thanks to a hormone-induced 15 pound gain (how do I
know it's hormones? Because of the amenorrhea and mustache that came
with it). I can only go down! And it'll be a while before I lose SO
MUCH that I actually need a new wardrobe.
4. I'll save money and not be such a bitch to the environment!
I'm
going to wait and see if I can apply this to shoes, because my beloved
5-year-old Clarks are threatening to either fall apart or classify
themselves as deadly weapons because they stink so much.
Oh, and don't worry about the mustache. I got that shit waxed.
