Geisha School Dropout

Mother's Day

I don't say it enough, but I really do love hanging out with my kids.  They make me laugh, and their personalities are so vibrant, I can't help but admire them.  But it is getting to be increasingly more difficult to just unplug from all the other responsibilities I have and just enjoy them, undistracted.  On Sunday, I made a conscious effort to "be here now," and hopefully I did right by them.  You never know with kids; their hearts are so big, you can act like any old asshole and they'll love you and make handprint crafts for you anyway.

We had Mother's Day brunch at an adorable boutique hotel near the Queen Mary, and the weather was perfect.  We dined al fresco on all-you-can-eat ceviche, oysters, omelettes, coffee-rubbed beef tenderloin, paella, and of course, mimosas.  It was awesome, and hopefully my mom approved.  Although you never really know with Korean moms either.  

Come to think of it, I spend a lot of my spare brain cycles wondering if I'm a total fuck-up or doing fine in a variety of arenas.   I am good at a few things.  I have impeccable taste in music, I can turn anything into a raunchy joke, I rock at standardized exams, I can bridge the gap between nerds and "normal" people, and I have a good appetite, both literally and figuratively.  None of these things really come in handy when raising small children.  But hopefully one day, there will be an intersection between the curves of Isaac's and Emi's development and my personal skill set, where I can show them that their mom is actually good for something.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I've been a late bloomer all my life, and parenting is proving to be no different.   So, I'm a pretty mediocre mom for now, but wait until they need to take the SAT man, I'm all over that shit.  

My Week in Review and GIVEAWAY WINNER

Congratulations to commenter #4, Dan, who won the polka dot knife set!  His guess was: 

You the camel 
Tim the penguin
Isaac the snake
Emma the mouse

I actually know Dan "in meatspace" (actually, I knew the large majority of entrants, which made me very happy), so I feel no qualms with ribbing him for getting Emi's name wrong (thanks, Uncle Dan!).  But otherwise, he nailed it, like most of you did.

The story behind the animals was: Emi and her bossy nature.  She commissioned, rather demanded, that her daddy draw us this way one day at a Chinese restaurant.  Her inner world is interesting, no?  I knew I shouldn't have smoked that peyote while I was pregnant with her...

Anyway, I won't be able to really post until later today because all day I'll be chaperoning Isaac's class on a field trip to a science museum!  Zoiks!  So here are some pictures of what happened this week in our little world:

Isaac started to have trouble reading sports scores on the TV, so we took him to the optometrist who confirmed he needs to start wearing glasses.

Tuesday was "Korea Day" at Emi's school, so she went to school dressed in her hanbok!

I made kimbap (basically Korean sushi) with just galbi (BBQ short rib) inside for the kids' snack. They devoured it like locusts. I was impressed.

Yesterday, we went to Little Prince to meet a friend. Isaac spent a lot of the time in their library, which garnered him the adoration of many a Korean Tiger Mom, who then promptly rapped their knuckles on their own kids' heads and said, "Yah! Why can't you be more like this boy!"

 

This is How We Do It

The one meal that defines my family is our quarterly visit to Pacific Fish on Redondo Beach Pier.  We've been going since my family moved to southern California almost 30 years ago, so our ordering system is down to a science.  And because I'm feeling generous today, I shall give you the formula, absolutely free.

(Warning: involves much shellfish, so definitely not kosher)

First course: minor invertebrates

Emperor shrimp sashimi
Steamed baby octopus (Isaac's favorite)
Steamed Manila clams
Steamed jumbo shrimp

 

 

Second course: Maine lobsters and the emperor shrimp heads (fried)

 

 

Third course: Dungeness crabs

 

Fourth course: Mae-un tang (spicy fish soup)

 

(image borrowed from whereiscat.com)

 Fifth course: Churros, funnel cake, ice cream, occasionally cotton candy from other concession stands on the pier

 

In the summer when the days are longer,  we then hop downstairs to the arcade to play skee-ball and ride the tilt-a-whirl, which sometimes results in a sixth course: acid reflux.

 

(image borrowed from fanpop.com)

 

2012 Thus Far

I have been completely MIA since the holidays, and for this I apologize, especially since I posted up this huge confession which was promptly followed-up by an ill-timed promotional post, then another post that had you imagining me in tacky underwear...then poof!  I disappear.  Totally bad form.  Mea culpa!

Here's the "Reader's Digest" version of what we've been up to:

January 1:

Happy New Year!  The kids bowed to us, their aunts, and their grandparents for money.  We ate rice cake and dumpling soup.

January 2:

We got on a boat!  It was a bit surreal looking at your own city through a tourist's eyes.

January 3:

We saw dolphins off the coast of Catalina!

January 4:

¡Viva México!

...and Emi turned 5!

January 5:

Day at sea...and I went so stir-crazy, I hallucinated that our towels turned into sea creatures.

January 6:

We docked early in the morning and walked off the ship.  We grabbed a cab and were home in 15 minutes.  Kinda nice living in a port city!  I then headed over to my parents' house to pick up Oscar.  Oh goodness.  I don't think I properly introduced Oscar to you all!

This is Oscar.  Hello, world!

January 7:

Mostly spent the day gathering vacation photos and feeling like I was still on a boat whenever I sat down.

January 8:

Started getting ready for the week ahead.  I made the following resolutions:

1. Get back on the weight-loss wagon.
2. Start cooking dinners at home again.
3. Regain my composure; I've been such a worry wart lately!

January 9:

Back to school!  Isaac joined a basketball league, and we had our first practice today.  I already broke resolution #3 because now I wonder if something is just clinically wrong with him...he thought it would be funny, or charming, or something, to pretend to kiss his obviously-uncomfortable teammate...in front of his uber-sports-fan dad.  Wince.  On the drive home, I reminded him for seriously the ten-thousandth time that kissing, touching, peeing and pooing, and private parts are all off-limits for him in terms of jokes and/or gestures, since he obviously cannot handle all the connotations involved.  He agreed, but seriously, he does something like this everyday, and I am getting very worried.

 AAAAAAAUGH!!!!!  Broke resolution #3 again!

Ugh, this might be the year I get my first grey hair; I cannot deal with this stuff gracefully.  I need a hug.  And some advice.  HALP.  ME.  PLEASE.

------------------------------------

Anyway!  Now you're all caught up.  We are, as always, a lively-yet-potentially-explosive mess. 

Houston, We Have a Problem...and a Confession

(My response this short article on self-harm and violence in the Korean American community.)

I know this seems like a big bummer to post this during the holiday season, but 'tis also the season for a spike in suicides, suicide attempts, and domestic violence.

Does this ring a bell for you at all?  It definitely did for me:

Grace Yoon, executive director of the Korean American Family Service Center in New York, told The Huffington Post that Koreans come to America with high hopes of acquiring wealth and providing a good education for their children. When their expectations are not met, some feel like they have let their families down. Yoon commented that the problem has gotten worse since the recession, "especially with Korean fathers and heads of households whose small businesses are not doing well."

The article goes on to say that the intergenerational language barrier as well as the cultural taboo against seeking mental health services may contribute to the higher-than-average suicide rate in Korean Americans.

---------------------------------------------------------

If this helps anyone at all, I'll just put myself out there as someone who did try to kill herself when she was in the throes of what she now recognizes as a major depressive episode.  

I was 21, feeling exhausted and beaten down, not doing well in school, but instead of seeking help, I just ignored my health and soldiered on, terrified of delaying my graduation by yet another quarter or year.  It got to the point where I stopped talking to my friends and stopped checking in with my parents, unable to keep up the lies when I claimed I was okay.  As I got more and more insular, my whole world consisted of my classes and my inability to attend them, my lack of focus, my inevitable failure.  So a few days before my first finals, hating myself for letting my parents down, they who worked so hard and sacrificed so much so that I could go to a top-notch school, and I couldn't even repay them with simply succeeding, I tried to take my own life.  I honestly thought I was doing them a favor, relieving a burden.

I was so, so lucky that my attempt was feeble at best, and my roommate was in the apartment.

After that, I was hospitalized for a week.  For some reason, I had this stereotype against psychiatry and didn't consider it a fully-valid field of medicine.  I could not have been more wrong.  Thanks to the medication, counseling, and support I received then and afterwards, I finally graduated from university.  My grade point average was barely enough to scrape past, and my department might or might not have overlooked a single missing requirement, but I did it.  And my life instantly became easier once I stepped foot outside that damn campus and moved on with my life.

Did I at 21 have even the tiniest correct inkling about how life after college would be like?  Absolutely not!  My instincts and intuition that I relied on so heavily turned out to be completely off; I think it was because I was completely biased to see only the negative.  That's what depression does; it skews your outlook on everything to just remember the negative and completely ignore the positive, and that small shift in perspective is what makes depression so dangerous.  It was actually quite a relief to discover that my "lenses" were off and needed readjusting.  

The turning point for me was my dad tearfully telling me that he would rather have a non-college-graduate daughter than no daughter at all.  That he would have let me crash at home for as long as I needed in order to get back on my feet again.  And that he was truly sorry that it had to come to this for him to tell me that, that this was completely uncharted territory for him, that we would get through this together.  My mom was too overcome with emotion to speak to me then, but as time went on, I came to realize that she felt the same way.  And believe me when I tell you that my parents made the Tiger Mom look like a kitten; that I was pushed very hard all my childhood; and if you had asked me before all this if I truly believed they loved me, I would have a hearty laugh at the mere notion.

But it turned out that my Korean parents, as stoic and strict and cruel and physically punitive as they were, were still parents.  And now they are very demonstrative, nurturing, giving, loving grandparents.  

And now, daily I think to myself, "I'm so relieved I'm not dead.  All the fun I would have missed out on!"

---------------------------------------------------------

If you at any point feel as hopeless as I did that summer, please know that you aren't "crazy," that you are struggling alongside countless others, that there are other solutions besides death, that people love you and are rooting for you, that honest-to-goodness there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Or at the very least, there are enough points of light inside the tunnel to make it worth sticking around to observe.  DO NOT MISS OUT ON THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Call a friend and tell them you need help, call 1-800-273-8255, go to the emergency room, connect with people online, just don't leave yourself alone with the thoughts you are thinking, the same way you would try to save your friend who is trapped in a house with someone who is trying to kill them.

---------------------------------------------------------

If you got this far, thanks so much for reading.  This was difficult to write.

Cross-posted on Kimchi Mamas

Questions from the Audience #2

jooliyah asks:

What are your favorite Korean snacks?

I am partial to anju-type snacks, especially 쥐포 (dried file fish) and dried squid, the kinda smoky-flavored eggs (삶은 계란) they have at the jjimjilbang, and savory rice crackers, especially these spicy ones that come with peanuts (kaki no tane in Japanese, don't know the Korean name):

And of course, the more meal-type anju like jokbal, dubu kimchi, soondae, etc.!  Oh!  And 팥빙수 (shaved ice), but only if it has fresh fruit on it as well as the red beans, mochi pieces, and stuff.

When's the last time you came to Korea?

It was late May/early June 2009 for my dad's 환갑 (60th birthday).  We went to Jeju Island and visited family members in various parts of Seoul.  We should be making another trip out there within the year.

And top 5 favorite books.

Oh wow, that's a hard one.  It changes all the time, it seems, but the following books are usually up there.  In no particular order,

• East of Eden, John Steinbeck
• 1984, George Orwell
• The Diamond Age: Or, a Young Lady's Illustrated Primer, Neal Stephenson
• Cat's Cradle, Kurt Vonnegut
• The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald

Books that should be up there if only I had the space include The Red Tent, Harry Potter, and The Hunger Games.  :)

Thank you, jooliyah, for the awesome reminders that I need to curl up in bed with some crackers and a good book!  

Little Prince Kids Restaurant Review

Five words for you: Meet me at Little Prince!

Little Prince is a Korean-born chain of kid-centered cafes, and it is basically the healthier, cleaner, saner alternative to Chuck E. Cheese's.  Instead of cacophony, consumerism, and chaos, kids can play in a variety of settings: an indoor jungle gym and ball pit for the more active tykes, a dress-up and pretend play area, and a library.  All areas are supervised by attentive staff who speak both Korean and English, and you can also keep an eye on your little ones from your table thanks to the video camera feeds displayed in the dining area.  Littler kids can stay close to their parents by playing in the middle of the dining area in a quieter, more padded zone.

The menu is eclectic, highlighting Korean-style cafe food.  There is pizza, pasta, and house-made chicken nuggets for the kids, and more sophisticated fare for the parents such as hamburger steak, galbi, ddukbokki, and "grown-up" pastas.  My personal favorite is their kimchi fried rice with cheese, washed down by a couple glasses of their iced coffee.

I am not exaggerating when I say that Little Prince has greatly expanded my social life.  It's the perfect spot to meet up with old or new friends who are in town. 

Do your friends have other kids that aren't quite the same age level as your own?  Send them all on their merry way to play with the unnis/nunas/oppas/hyungs at their own pace.  Chances are, they will start playing with each other as well.  

Is your friend childless, but they would like to meet your kids and hang out with you?  Again, perfect venue: your kids can be around to say hello and be hugged and adored, but then they can zoom off without either party being antsy or nervous.  Then you and your friend can catch up in peace.

They also offer packages for birthday parties, and I think it would be a perfect venue for a dol, or any year up to about age 6.  It's especially handy if you expect a mixed crowd of kids, older and younger siblings, and adults without children.

Food is pretty pricey, but the servings are HUGE.  In addition, you pay a per-hour fee per child.  So, if you are in the southern CA area, you should definitely try it out.  Awesomely enough, Living Social is offering a deal with Little Prince right now (and for the next 6 days).  You get $25 credit for $12, which amounts to 52% off!

Little Prince Kids Restaurant
5300 Beach Blvd. #118
Buena Park, CA 90621 
714-690-1432 

Little Prince website
Facebook page 
Link to Living Social deal

(No disclaimer needed; I'm promoting them purely because I've been there a half-dozen times and I love them.)

Cross-posted on Kimchi Mamas

Birthdaypalooza Part Deux

My girlfriends and I spent Birthdaypalooza this year in LA.  Since I was then the unofficial host and tourguide, I took them to two of my favorite places: Magic Castle and the Korean spa.  People might label an evening of drunken flirtation with members of the occult followed by a day of full-monty same-sex nudity with scrub-downs by dour Korean ladies dressed in what can only be described as ironic black lingerie as unorthodox, but then again, they wouldn't know much about me and my girls.

The worst part about Birthdaypalooza is the shock one feels the Monday afterwards.  Reality never felt so cruel.  

Sigh, I love them all and always will.

Oh!  I also owe two of them a limerick.

Ode to Linda

Linda brings boatloads of fun
Her parties are second to none.
My liver's still sickened
From her bachelorette weekend
That happened in 2001. 

Ode to Deb

Deb is a dancer and sailor
And so many boys want to nail her!
But they disappoint,
She rejects them en pointe;
Only her groom is allowed to abseil her. 

Second Grade Playground Racism Called, and It Wants Its Joke Back

I have long been a fan of formerly-plus-size model Crystal Renn.  She was such a luscious bastion of perfection without being a size 0:

 

Although I will admit that I was a little let down at first by her steady metamorphosis towards the mainstream standard of beauty, I am still a staunch admirer.  This is what she looks like now:

Still gorgeous, yes; just a little less to love!

But now this:

From: http://www.refinery29.com/is-taping-your-eyes-to-look-asian-the-new-blackface

How was this allowed to happen?  And in the moment, how could this have been stopped?  Obviously someone amongst the team of stylists, editors, photographers, and make-up artists came up with and pushed for the eye-slanting for none other than Vogue Japan.   I personally can't see how Ms. Renn could have protested amidst all the other primping and prodding, so no blame lies with her, but I am angered by whoever associated her with the oldest Asian joke in the book. 

Was this somehow some clumsy and tone-deaf-as-fuck attempt at ingratiating Ms. Renn and Dolce & Gabbana to an Asian audience?  Because if anything, this just distracts from the clothes and her beauty.  First of all, the taping was done unevenly, so she looks odd.  But most importantly, she doesn't look more Asian at all because obviously, the rest of her face isn't Asian, and for the millionth time in my life, not all of us Asian people have "chink eyes"!!!  Argh!  If you knew Asian people at all, you'd know that 1. Dolce & Gabbana doesn't have to resort to racist editorial spreads to garner attention...Asia LOOOOOOVES them already and 2. If anything, we actually prefer BIG eyes.

I would love to hear other people's points of view on this.  Meanwhile, me and my round-eyed Asian ass will sit huddled in the nearest corner.  :(

Why There Needs to be a Different Standard of Depression for Koreans

When I feel like shit, it's hard to tell the cause: is it stress in my life, my mood disorder, or merely because I am Korean?

Talk to any Korean person of my parents' generation about depression, and most likely they will equate it with laziness ("When we don't want to get out of bed or work hard, we don't call it depressed"),  privilege ("They don't have to worry about anything else"), or  insanity ("Are you going to tear up your clothes and put flowers in your hair?").  They just don't view it as a real chronic illness.

But yet, it obviously exists, even for Korean people.  Domestic violence, alcohol and drug abuse, and suicide are major societal problems, and those often are side effects of mood disorders.

I'm starting to wonder if the problem lies in the usual criteria for diagnosis.  If you look at the normal list of symptoms for depression and you knew Korean people at all, it seems like we are ALL depressed!

According to the Mayo Clinic, depression symptoms include:

• Feelings of sadness or unhappiness
• Irritability or frustration, even over small matters
• Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide
• Crying spells for no apparent reason

In Korea, these are all considered normal.  We even have a word for it: han.  An excellent article in the LA Times on han can be found here.  We all carry around a sadness and trauma that is so ingrained it might as well be part of our genome.  Suffering and death are recurring themes in our art, our folklore, our history.  Hell, it's even the main philosophy of kimchi: preserve everything you can for the day -- and that day definitely will come -- when there is nothing.  It is the reason why when you piss off your mom, she says things like "Do you want me to die now?  Will that make you happy?"  Sigh.

• Reduced sex drive
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself when things aren't going right
• Changes in appetite — depression often causes decreased appetite and weight loss, but in some people it causes increased cravings for food and weight gain
• Agitation or restlessness — for example, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
• Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping

These things are also very common...but these I put the blame squarely on nurture, not nature.  I am still convinced that my parents had sex only two times in their lives: that is why my sister and I exist.  And Korean parents are the kings of the extreme guilt complex, unconstructive criticism, harsh-ass punishments, mysterious aches and pains, the neverending war against dust and hair on the floor, and equating food with love...which take care of the rest.  Again, a Korean would look at that list and think, "Yeah, so what?"

• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
• Indecisiveness, distractibility and decreased concentration
• Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy — even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things

These might be real bellweathers for us, but then again if I told my Korean doctor that I felt these symptoms, he would probably give me some nasty Chinese herbal potion to flush out my liver and reprimand me for being fat (in all seriousness, my childhood doctor's nickname for me was "Cow" and would constantly nag me to take diet pills.  He was a friend of my dad's.).  Maybe some Korean-specific research needs to be done, so we can get an idea of what depression looks like for us, or maybe we are indeed all afflicted with it.