Geisha School Dropout

May the Fourth be With You!

Source: fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net via Julie on Pinterest

 

Today is unofficial Star Wars Day, one of my favorite unofficial holidays.  Here is a round-up of my favorite Star Wars-themed finds:

Avatar: The Last Airbender/Star Wars Mash-up, via io9

 

Source: hottopic.com via Julie on Pinterest

 

Awesome Princess Leia Hoodie by Her Universe for Hot Topic.

 

Source: fangletronics.com via Michelle Frae on Pinterest

 

 

 Clothespin dolls made by the very crafty family at Fangletronics.

R2D2 apron by Etsy seller HauteMessThreads

 

"The Imperial March" sung by a Brazilian cockatiel

Merry Christmas!

How are your festivities going?  Ours have been a lot of fun, if not a bit, er, demeaning to certain blogging members of the family, ahem.  

Yesterday I found myself squatting over a bathtub at my mom's place, wearing only a shirt and  underwear, in front of my entire family, who were relentlessly laughing at me.  If I had known that my undies would have been subject to public viewing, I would have chosen a different pair that morning.  This one had a large maneki neko emblazoned on the crotch, with Chinese take-out font proclaiming the reader just might "GET LUCKY."  

Of course it's totally ironic and it was on sale at Torrid years ago for two bucks, but that didn't matter as I heard one, two, three snapshots taken as I scrubbed foamy poop remnants off of an increasingly distressed and repentant Maggie.  Why she chose that day to roll around in cat shit, I will never know.  But now we all have this Christmas memory that will never fade, thanks to Tim's digital camera.  Of course I'm not going to post one of his pics, but here is a pic of the underwear floating in whitespace: 

Go ahead and rinse out your eyes.  I'll wait.

Besides mortification, we served up ham, kimchi fried rice, mashed potatoes and turnips, green bean casserole, corn casserole, and crudite with bagna cauda for Christmas Eve dinner.  My sister and I tormented and squabbled with each other while cooking, which made my mom laugh.  Oscar and Maggie loved getting to visit Halmuni and Harabuji's house, lapping up morsels that dropped to the floor accidentally or not-so-accidentally.  A lovely, simple Christmas.  

I wish you and your loved ones a wonderful holiday weekend!

Questions from the Audience #5

Anna asks: ok then, what are you wearing?

Ha ha ha!  Too bad I didn't answer this yesterday; today I am already dressed for "the outside," so a blue and white striped t-shirt and jeans.  Most of yesterday involved a nightgown.

do you ever just walk around the house naked anymore?

Unfortunately for my childrens' eyeballs and future standards of beauty, yes.  Not as much as I used to, but in a house with just one bathroom for all 4 occupants, there are compromises that must be made to accomodate all needs.  I definitely don't flaunt it or tease them with my nudity, it's more like going to a bathhouse where sometimes it's around. 

is there anything Isaac and Emi could ever say or do that would be un-bloggable?

Oh goodness, there are lots of things they say or do that I don't blog for fear of someone getting the wrong idea.  I also try not to say anything *too* embarrassing and try to keep things upbeat, so when they eventually read my posts one day, they won't be too mortified.  And thanks to Flickr stats, any pictures that get picked up by strange sites with words like "childlove" in the URL get taken down.  *shudder*

Usually, though, things don't get reported because they're hard to translate to this medium.  Like the other day, Isaac drew a pig with a chick inside of it and the pig said, "Choink!"  That was seriously the funniest thing that happened that day, but it's not that funny spelled out like this.

do you think your blog fully represents the person you are inside?

I think it represents a longer-winded, slightly censored, more "fit for human consumption" version of myself.  Honestly, the majority of the time in "meatspace," I'm a lot more boring and quiet than the persona I have here, especially around the kids and the people I interact with because of them.  But it's not like this persona is a fabrication or a role I have to act for; since you were once my officemate, I would hope you could attest to the fact that I am absolutely raunchy and inappropriate in real life as well.

Ideally, I would like this blog to be a place where I don't get too dark and dismal, or too vanilla, or too much of anything, because I want it to be enjoyable to read, as well as provide comfort and/or companionship for people who feel the way I feel sometimes.  So I definitely think about the audience, what they might like, versus purely spouting off on whatever might be polluting my head at the moment.  I also try to balance the kid vs. non-kid posts to show that parents, although we do think about our kids a whole lot, don't think about them 100% of the time.

Silent Sunday

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays because it's the one day out of the year where everyone dresses in drag and no one bats an eye.

Tim and I decided to dress up with the kids this year.

Tim and I were X-Wing Fighter pilots.  Not a lot of kids recognized who we were, but their dads sure did.  All evening, I heard people yelling "This is Red5, I'm going in!" and "Stabilize your rear deflectors!"  at me.  I interpreted the latter as a cat call; it felt good because it's been a while since anyone's noticed the status of my rear deflectors.

In case you ever needed sound files of any X-Wing Fighter pilot quote, this site is awesome sauce.

Isaac was our little Luke Skywalker.  Here he is performing his latest Jedi Mind Trick:

"These are not the droids you're looking for."

Emi was Princess Leia.  Here she is in character:

Isn't her costume adorablez?  I actually got all the pieces from Etsy: Dress from Etsy user maycouture, Hat from darcyannie.  ¡Viva la handmade revolucion!

What were you and/or your kids dressed up as?  Send me pics or links if you can!  :) 

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Quick note: This month, I will once again be participating in NaBloPoMo!  That means I will be posting every day; wish me luck!

Side note: I apologize for the status of my face in that first picture.  I wasn't planning to go out trick-or-treating with everyone, so I deep-exfoliated my face and that's why it's full of that showroom shine.  Also, my hair was still wet from the shower.

That's My Daughter

Emi hobbled into my room with an Igor-esque gait -- clack-draaag clack-draaag -- in these rock-hard plastic heeled shoes:

She  asked me, "Do I have these on the right way?"

I replied, "Yes, but don't they hurt your feet, sweetie?"

Scowl, glower.  "Yes, of COURSE they do!" she growled.

"Then why are you walking around with them on?"

"Because they make me look PRETTYFUL!"

Aha!  Time for the you-are-beautiful-just-the-way-you-are teachable moment.  But my personal idea of beauty is slightly more specific.

"Aw baby, come over here."  Hobble hobble stumble.  "Shoes don't make you prettyful.  Smiling at and treating people nicely make you prettyful."

"I KNOW THAT MOM, but I want to be prettyful AND I want new shoes.  Buy me better shoes."  Then she took the shoes off and threw them at me.

I don't think I'm going to put that moment on my parenting resume.

There's a song for what my heart was feeling as she left the room in a huff.

That's my daughter in the water
I lost every time I fought her
Yeah, I lost every time

Crystal Renn: "Absolutely not"

Crystal Renn gave an enlightening interview to Jezebel yesterday, specifically responding to the controversy over her taping her eyes back.  Here's some choice clips:

Crystal: I've had moles painted on my face. I've had freckles painted on. I've been made lighter, I've been made tanner with makeup. It's exciting to me...It's not who I am, standing in front of the camera — something happens. I become something else. That's part of why this is a job, it's a performance. There's a whole team and tons of work that goes into 8-10 images that you see in an editorial...As a model, I have made it a big point to learn fashion references, which include different types of brows. And because I don't want to shave my brows off and have the makeup artist, or whoever, draw 'em on, we use things such as tape and makeup to fake it, basically. And to bring the look. Which might be a '20s brow. Or to take 'em away. I did a shoot with Tushmagazine and we bleached my brows away. I didn't go home like that, we dyed them back. But tape is very much the same thing.

Jenna: But just to be clear: when you say it's about "transformation," you're not talking about specific racial transformation. This wasn't about making you look Asian?

Crystal: Oh, absolutely not. We didn't even think about that on the shoot. I'm the one who suggested it, and it didn't even cross my mind. It's something that I regularly ask makeup artists, you know, if it will bring something more to the character. Offer a different face.

Jenna: But not an Asian face.

Crystal: No.

My initial response was surprise and a bit of awe to discover that Ms. Renn has that much creative control over her image; good for her.  She should get more credits to her name.

I still feel uneasy about the whole thing, though, because instead of some boneheaded attempt at racial irony, this whole thing is now smack-dab in the middle of the racial "uncanny valley," where white privilege blinds a person to the potential insensitivity of their actions (ref: "I'm the one who suggested it, and it didn't even cross my mind.").   This is where internet discussions tend to devolve into shit-flinging the most because white privilege is a difficult concept to debate rationally, but other Jezebel readers touched upon it:

Ferrette: Ok, so she's not intentionally racist. But she was pretty damn insensitive 

yfunk: Welcome to the world of the "chinky eye". It's always wonderful for Asians everywhere whenever an athlete (or entire sports team) does it, especially during a match against an Asian athlete or team. 

One gets desenstitized to the ridiculousness, but the outrage always manages to manifest for at least a few seconds. Then, the crushing feeling of defeat. 

RaisinGirl: I've also become increasingly uncomfortable at how while most people seem to understand that blackface is an offensive and outdated practice, yellowface seems to get a pass as "not really racist". 

Anyway, that's all I have to say on the matter.  No one's minds are changing, and we can chalk it up to another brick in the wall that separates me and those like me from other Americans.

Meanwhile, check this shit out.  A lot more obvious, so easier to swallow:

Second Grade Playground Racism Called, and It Wants Its Joke Back

I have long been a fan of formerly-plus-size model Crystal Renn.  She was such a luscious bastion of perfection without being a size 0:

 

Although I will admit that I was a little let down at first by her steady metamorphosis towards the mainstream standard of beauty, I am still a staunch admirer.  This is what she looks like now:

Still gorgeous, yes; just a little less to love!

But now this:

From: http://www.refinery29.com/is-taping-your-eyes-to-look-asian-the-new-blackface

How was this allowed to happen?  And in the moment, how could this have been stopped?  Obviously someone amongst the team of stylists, editors, photographers, and make-up artists came up with and pushed for the eye-slanting for none other than Vogue Japan.   I personally can't see how Ms. Renn could have protested amidst all the other primping and prodding, so no blame lies with her, but I am angered by whoever associated her with the oldest Asian joke in the book. 

Was this somehow some clumsy and tone-deaf-as-fuck attempt at ingratiating Ms. Renn and Dolce & Gabbana to an Asian audience?  Because if anything, this just distracts from the clothes and her beauty.  First of all, the taping was done unevenly, so she looks odd.  But most importantly, she doesn't look more Asian at all because obviously, the rest of her face isn't Asian, and for the millionth time in my life, not all of us Asian people have "chink eyes"!!!  Argh!  If you knew Asian people at all, you'd know that 1. Dolce & Gabbana doesn't have to resort to racist editorial spreads to garner attention...Asia LOOOOOOVES them already and 2. If anything, we actually prefer BIG eyes.

I would love to hear other people's points of view on this.  Meanwhile, me and my round-eyed Asian ass will sit huddled in the nearest corner.  :(

Mission: Reluctant Stage Mom...Accomplished!

Picture Day has come and gone!  Thank GAWD.

And guess what?  Those dang rags worked!  Rag curlers FTW!  Emi slept just fine in them, but then immediately demanded they come out when she woke up and cried when I asked her to hold off until after breakfast.  But other than that, things went without a hitch.  Seeing her in her dress without make-up really hammered home why they asked us to do it: her facial features just got lost amongst all the ruffles and fluorescent ribbon.  So on went the make-up, up went the hair, and voilà:

Please note that I did not have any choice in the dress.  They're tap dancing to "Good Ship Lollipop" and so they will have a matching lolliprop prop on stage.  And yes, when all the little girls are lined up in their matching ruffles and ribbons, they look freaking adorable.

The Price of Beauty

Emi's ballet school is having their yearly recital next month, but tomorrow is picture day, which means full costume, hair, and make-up.  If you know me at all, you will know that all three concepts are extremely foreign to me, so I am more than a bit panicky.

The required hairstyle is half-up ponytail, which I know how to do, thank Jeebus, but in curls.  Although her hair is naturally wavy, her teacher requested I curl her hair to match the other girls.  Emi doesn't sit still very well, so hell to the no at the prospect of wielding a 500-degree curling iron anywhere near her face, so I thought maybe rag curls would do the trick.  They sound easy enough: dampen the hair, wrap around a rag, tie the rag tightly at the scalp.  Simple, right?

But spread my asshole and call me Mrs. Goatse, I can't do it right.  She's whining and squirming, I'm moaning as I'm throwing my back out trying to hold her still.  The hair is slipping out, especially at the ends, and I have no idea how these rags are going to last until the morning.

But at least she looks cute as a rag doll!

Ugh, I'm very sorry, little girl, that you are an elf princess borne of the womb of a hobbit.