Geisha School Dropout

Lessons Learned in Ethiopia

Ethiopia has changed me.  After allowing myself a couple days to readjust to my normal life and get over the jet lag, I found that the things I used to whine about, I didn't really feel the need to whine about anymore.  Even with a few additional stressors, I am keeping my cool.  Pretty good, considering.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying that it was a hellhole and I am glad to be back from the rigors of the third world.  Sure, it is a developing nation and its cars wouldn't pass a smog check on the tenth try, but there was something about Ethiopia that was actively calming.  The weather outside was quite pleasant.  The food was great, and the coffee was world-class.  The people I met were refreshingly open-minded and aware.  The Internet connection worked 50% of the time, and the other 50% gave me ample opportunity to read Jhumpa Lahiri's latest in the comfort of my hotel bed under fluorescent lighting.

It was more like I had to go halfway around the world without my family to realize what a gift it was to have a family, even one as strange as mine.  I am so much more grateful with the life I have been given.  I know, it's so "Eat Pray Love," right?  I just have to write my memoir and soon I'll be speaking at TED.  Ironically enough, I got to watch the movie on the plane ride to Addis Ababa and it annoyed me at the time.  It's SO the pretty white girl whimpering "my life is really hard, you guyyyys," and my eyes couldn't roll enough.  But let me just show you how much I've changed since then!

I promise to no longer judge any person's journey to awareness (I'm looking at YOU, Tiger Mom lady!), even ones that make the NYT Bestsellers List.   So, to make up for my prior judgeiness, here is my tribute to first world women travelers everywhere, aka the "Eat Pray Love" summary of my trip to Ethiopia:

I lost 4 pounds despite consuming a blanket's worth of injera.  Yay!  But I lost my duty-free British chocolate + carton of Dunhills on the last plane back to Los Angeles!  Boo!  Oh well.  I was able to see a group of good kids go home with their forever families and my life is altered because of it.  I am blessed.  You are blessed.  I wish you nothing but happiness and Javier Bardem.

Ahem, okay, that was a little snarky.  But seriously you guyyyys, I have regained some peace and composure and it is definitely coming in handy right now.

Here is a slideshow of my trip (you have to either click through to Flickr or expand to full size and click "Display titles and descriptions" in order to see the captions):

PS: Travel notes in case you are planning on going to Ethiopia one day --> My main physical complaints were my incessant nosebleeds (by the third day I definitely felt the impact of losing that much blood) and the fact that the room got stuffy because the window didn't have a screen and therefore mosquitoes threatened to bite us and the baby. Both problems would have been solved with a window screen or a mosquito net and a humidifier.  How one would lug a humidifier to Africa I dare not guess, but maybe there are ways to replicate the effects.

Cause for Alarm

I'm back from Ethiopia.  I had a great time there and got to learn a little bit about the country and met a lot of amazing people and kids.  I am very lucky to have gone.

Unfortunately, something has happened since then that has eclipsed the trip.  No one is sick or dead, but just think of what the next worst thing could be and you will probably be correct.  I'll be able to write about it some day, just not today.  For now, I sip full-calorie Coke and try to figure out what the hell I am going to do.

 

The Revenge of Zelda

Image from Natalie's House of Weird

Remember last year when Isaac kept getting in trouble for kissing Zelda at Kids Club?  It all blew over quite nicely, and when I learned that Isaac and Zelda would no longer be in the same class for first grade, I thought the drama was over.

Boy, I know nothing about love.

Yesterday there were rumblings of a marriage ceremony.  Isaac and Zelda were apparently united in holy matrimony during recess a few days ago.  Apparently they had rekindled their relationship and everyone knew except for me.  Darn that kid and his one-word answers to my questions about what he did at school!  AND WHY WASN'T I INVITED???  

When I asked Isaac about it, he claimed nothing really happened, that he and Zelda were just boyfriend and girlfriend and they only blow kisses at each other because they both know they'd get in trouble if they really kissed each other.

After school today, I went over and watched Isaac play kickball with some other boys.  A gaggle of three girls were hanging out behind the batting cage, looking at the boys and giggling.  One of them was Zelda.  My...daughter-in-law?  I thought I was going to faint.

She spoke first.  "Hi, Isaac's Mommy!"

"Hello, Zelda."

"Did you know that Isaac and I are in love?"  

Gotta hand it to this girl, she gets right to the point.  "Oh wow, that sounds exciting.  What does that mean, in love?"

"It means we love each other and we want to get married."

"Oh."  I tried to send chilly mother-in-law vibes her way.  I had to nip this in the bud.  "Well, you guys seem a little young, don't you think you should wait a bit before deciding?  There are lots of boys and girls you can hang out with in the meantime."

"Well, Isaac is special."

"Oh."  Hrm, this conversation isn't going the way I thought it would.  "You said you love him.  What does that mean, love?  How do you know you love him?"

"When he's with me, I feel protected.  Like if something happened to me, he'll help me and protect me."

The tears welled up before I could stop them.  "Wow, that sounds really nice.  You sound like you are great friends.  Just don't get each other in trouble, okay?"

"Okay!  Hey Isaac!"

I whirled around and saw my son in full blush.  "I heard you guys talking, I heard every word!"

"Sorry if I embarrassed you, Bu."

"It's okay."

"Well, we gotta go home now, say bye to Zelda."

"Bye!"

They blew kisses at each other, and Zelda waved and waved until we couldn't see her anymore.

I know nothing about love.

--------------------------------

PS: Tomorrow, I shall embark on an epic journey to Ethiopia!  I will be accompanying my friend who is taking her new daughter home.  As Ethiopian cuisine is my favoritist ever, I am SO. STOKED.  Best vegetarian fare and coffee in the world; I'm all set!  But will I have the guts to eat the kitfo there?  After my banh mi experience a couple days ago, I'm a bit wary of my tummy's ability to cope.  But I love it so much, we shall see...

MONSTER MOMMY! Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife

Back in November, I pledged to be a kinder, more graceful Julie, and I am trying, I really am.  But today I discovered that all it takes is one abnormal day to make it all crumble back down!

This morning, I picked up a banh mi after dropping Emi off at school (still in her unicorn pajamas, but I left her real outfit with her teacher).  As I nestled into bed with my laptop, relishing the first salty-crunchy bite of my sandwich, I noticed the meat tasted a little off.  Somehow I convinced myself that it wasn't that bad, and I finished it all.  BAD DECISION.

An hour later, I felt hot and the room spun around me, but I couldn't throw anything up.  I just clung onto the bed for dear life and waited for it to stop.  Another hour later, I was well enough to drag myself to the kitchen and chug some coconut water, and I actually got a lot of work done despite the lingering headache and nausea.

Soon it was time to pick Isaac up from school, and from the second I saw him, he kept asking me these insane questions about lightning and how it would strike various objects.  It was hard enough driving through the after-school hysteria traffic, but this barrage of irrelevant questions really got my head spinning again.  After 10 minutes of this, I asked him why he was thinking of lightning at all, and he replied, "Nothing."  I asked him to tell me about his day.  "Fine."  Did anything interesting happen?  "No."  

On to the post office to mail a package to Portugal.  Why?  Because I found my old Massive Attack Singles Vinyl box set in the garage, and I couldn't just throw it away; I wanted to sell it to some other music fan.  I listed it on Amazon, and found a buyer fairly quickly.  He's some dude with 7 names who lives in Portugal.  I sold the records for $48.99 and Amazon gave me $6 for international shipping.  Turns out shipping actually costs $51.30.  Accounting for Amazon's commission, I just lost money in the weirdest way possible. 

Then on to Trader Joe's for some grub, and while I was checking things off the grocery list on my iPhone, I accidentally dropped it onto the tile floor.  I didn't even notice anything was amiss until I noticed I was smearing blood all over my screen, which was CRACKED TO HIGH HEAVEN.  Amazingly, it still works just fine, it's just a minor health hazard.  And right when I made this realization, CRASH!!!!!  I turn to see Isaac sheepishly standing next to an overturned shopping cart, all our groceries strewn on the floor.  He didn't fall with the cart, so I have no idea how this happened.  No less than 3 employees came to our aid, and then I got mad at Isaac for not saying sorry or thank you to the nice people who helped us.  If you're gonna be a pain in the ass, at least acknowledge it, right?

After that, I had to clean out the refrigerator to accommodate the new groceries, and out came alien-like leftovers and rancid meat.  My stomach churned and I was dry-heaving like crazy, but still no relief.

I spent an hour with Isaac on his homework, where we had an argument over his birth year.  LIKE I DON'T KNOW HIS BIRTH YEAR.  

Then it was time to drop Isaac off at Tae Kwon Do and to pick up Emi.  She was still in her pajamas.  Sigh.

We had dinner at Chick-Fil-A, and Isaac was still in his do bok.  A girl kept kicking and flailing her arms at him, demanding Isaac to teach her karate.  He replied, "I don't know karate, I know tae kwon do" and the girl looked at him like he was an idiot.  I was in no mood to educate the ignorant.

Once we got home, I busted out an apple pie we got at Trader Joe's.  After I opened the packaging up, Isaac said he didn't want a piece after all.  I carefully put everything back together, but then Tim and Emi asked for a piece each.  I opened it back up and heated their slices up.  I wrapped everything up again.  Now Isaac wants a slice after all.  Now I'm totally annoyed at the world.  To add insult to injury, no one even finished their slices.  Half a pie wasted.

By now my head is pounding and I almost pass out transferring laundry from the washer to the dryer.  I feel like no one cares about poor nauseous me, and so the yelling begins in earnest.  Now the rest of the family is hiding from the Monster Mommy.

Image from Tehe He's Wearing a Bra

I feel like everything would be fine if I could just evacuate my GI tract.  Some moms are waiting to exhale...I'm just waiting to vomit.

Emi, You are Four!

My goodness, Emi, you are now four!  No offense, but there were times when I wasn't sure we were going to make it this far.  You are vibrant and all that is fun in the world, but you are tough to work with.  You have very specific opinions on a variety of topics and a burgeoning desire to control other people's speech and actions, which just isn't going to sit well with some people.  Like two days ago, you chastised my friend for setting up her bendy straw straight.  "You bend it like this," you demonstrate.  "DO IT!"

"But Emi, you can choose how your straw looks, but you just can't tell other people how to use their own straws.  It is their decision."

And you replied with merely a look, one that said, "Who are YOU to talk that nonsense my way?"

Sigh, just another day as Chief Vassal of Princess Emi of the Purple Unicorns.

I was never one of the girly girls...I was awkward and shy, and I related more to the boys in my class, with their dirty jokes and dirty fingernails.  Yet somehow, you emerged from my womb, a gorgeous curly-haired cherub made of kittens and glitter and rainbows and Hello Kitty and candy and unicorns and crowns and wings and leotards and make-up.  From the Omega Dog came forth an Alpha.  

I would not be surprised if you turned out to be a Norma Desmond or a Hillary Rodham Clinton, either is equally possible.  However, I still respect the way you are truly yourself without apology or excuse, that you still engage with everyone you meet despite what you see as mankind's universal shortcomings, and that you deeply care for people and animals.  You love to doll yourself up, but you are not afraid to run around, get your clothes dirty, be physical.  It just means I do a lot of careful laundering and apologizing to your teachers and playmates, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I mean it!

This year, you have grown so much.  You are no longer developmentally delayed (cognitive, speech, coordination, etc.), in fact the doctor thinks you are quite bright, although she does wonder why you are still tantruming so much.  Your answer: "It's because the PEOPLE make me TOO SAD!"  You have discovered that Isaac is a great older brother and now you two are inseparable playmates (until, that is, something happens and we have to separate you guys).  When you're not bursting our eardrums with your crying, you treat me and your daddy with this intoxicating blend of sweetness, tenderness, bossiness, and humor.  Your pretend play is so sophisticated in its drama, sometimes I stop everything in order to overhear what happens next.  You love to sing and dance and climb on people.  You make me laugh at least a dozen times a day.

You are the goddess inside the volcano.  You are tsunami and thunderstorm.  We dance to celebrate you but also fear your fury.  Please use this power for good one day, that is all I ask.

Love,
Mama 

Happy New Year!

새해 복 많이 받으세요! Emi will now bow to you for money: