Dear Japanophiles and Japanophile enablers associated with this video:
If you must exist at all, can you PLEASE find something else to latch on to? Step. Up. Your. Game.
I GET IT ALREADY, OKAY??? Japan is one big crazy clusterfuck of people who do nothing but walk hurriedly amongst neon billboards and vending machines when they're not smiling giddily behind rice paper doors. I have already given up trying to debate the fact that Japan has more to offer than that, but at least stop filming the same things over and over again, all the while pretending it's fresh and edgy. Save your money and just borrow footage from any other movie or home video filmed in Japan.
And I also understand by now that Japanese people are hideously dull and ugly compared to a dolled-up white woman. Look at their flat, emotionless faces and funny glasses and weird hair! Wow, Kirsten Dunst looks like an angel in a sea of trolls. She wouldn't look nearly as leggy, cute, and alabaster-skinned in a European country, right? Sigh. Props to the kids who looked bored and aware of the obvious commercial objectification, and for the partygoers near the end of the video for providing the only real humanity in the entire video. More people like you, and maybe they'll take the hint finally and find some other people to exploit.
And the same request for you, Takashi Murakami: I know you have raked in gonzo bucks with your happy flower/bear/yadda yadda yadda characters, what with the Louis Vuitton and Kanye West partnerships, but can you please create something else? I could have handled sitting through a mediocre video starring a stoned Kirsten Dunst if it debuted some new fresh art; instead it tried to eke out every last penny from the same tired designs. But props to you for your little cameo inside a furry human-sized soccer ball, that was cute, although I do know at one point you actually sold $400 soccer balls, which lowers your quirk factor quite a bit. You are probably more businessman than artist after crossing that threshold.
And Kirsten Dunst! Were you totally blitzed out of your mind, or were you actually terrified cavorting around these natives dressed as Rainbow-Brite-fist-fucking-Sailor-Moon, which from the many shots of anime-porn posters featured in the video, you probably guess is Salary Man Ogle Bait? You looked overtly uncomfortable during some of your mystical wand-waving. Maybe you were just nervous that the people who invented karaoke would give you a low score on your rendition of "Turning Japanese." Or maybe you're a little bit smarter than McG gave you credit for and a part of you felt a little, I dunno, EMBARRASSED to be singing that song in front of real Japanese people. Anyway, your dimples have not lost their charm, so I will give you the benefit of the doubt and think of you as the biggest victim of this clownshow.
Sincerely,
Me
PS: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
