I was going to write about something completely different today, but when Tim sent me today's Cary Tennis column I just had to say something.
A woman wrote in about the man she is set to marry in 1.5 months. Apparently early on in their relationship when they were using condoms as birth control, he would dump hot sauce into the condoms after sex in order to kill the sperm, so she couldn't use the sperm later to impregnate herself and therefore trick him into staying with her. He got the idea from a radio talk show host.
Like where do I even start here?
1. Who does this guy think he is? Does he honestly think that there are some sneaky-ass women out there just dying for his sweet, sweet cum so that they can make awesome him-replicas and later try to nab him for more money (or just more of his sweet, sweet cum)? And if so, his fiancee is one of those women? Or, maybe she seems okay now but one can never be too sure in this crazy world?
2. Since when do men have to resort to condom-doctoring to protect themselves against baby-crazy women? Like if some rapper alleges this in one of his songs, and some misogynistic yahoo radio host talks about it the next day, suddenly all women are potential cum-thieves? Did Susan Sontag recommend this in a book I haven't read yet? Is feminism that threatening to them? Why does this guy trust a radio yahoo over his own fiancee, even for a nanosecond?
3. It takes a whole lot of trust for a woman to allow you to have sex with her in the first place. Any woman allowing any man to have intercourse with her is taking a risk far greater than 18 years of bullshit child support. We trust you not to hurt us physically and emotionally during the act, to respect our desires as well as our limits, to remember and obey the safeword. Women get slapped, choked, insulted, and raped during intercourse without giving their consent everyday, even by their long-term partners and husbands. All of that is in her head when she decides to let you in. She trusts you that much. And all you think about is how she might screw you over one day? Fuck you, buddy.
4. Wouldn't bleach work better? Why hot sauce? What a waste of a precious commodity!
So in conclusion, she is better off without someone who is tragically gullible at best, incurably misogynistic at worst.
And that hot sauce should be poured into the condom *before* sex next time, mmkay?