They get lost in the hubbub, but if you really think about it, the barely-legal or straight-up illegal, cruel things that parents do to their kids on a daily basis would make excellent tabloid fodder, if only the kids remembered.
For example, it is only 9 AM here and I already abused each of my kids.
At 8 AM, I was trying to get Emily's hair into her signature chignon when she decided she wanted to make a run for it. Of course, she starts screaming because I had all her hair in my hand and now it's as if I was pulling it, caveman-style. And I start screaming for her to stop, just let me tie her damn hair up, therefore continuing to pull her hair as she struggles for freedom. I went ahead with my agenda while knowing it was causing my little baby girl physical pain. If I put it that way, it's cruel, right? But little things like this happen all the time. I'm just lucky CPS isn't watching.
And immediately afterward, I left my almost-5-year-old son alone in the house while I dropped Emily off at daycare. This was the first time I've ever done it, but he insisted that he'd rather lie down and watch TV instead of making the 5-minute trip. So I figured, hey, the poor tyke is sick and doesn't want to go out into the dampness outside, plus, any fires he starts would only have 5 minutes max to get going, no biggie. And it turned out to be fine! But if CPS came over to the house within those 5 minutes, I would be in Bad Mommy Jail.
If only the kiddos can write these atrocities down as they happened, they'd have a hell of a case on me one day. I'll be running for mayor or Mrs. Tropicana 2009, and Isaac and Emily will hold a press conference, detailing in quavery voices all the unspeakable evil I have done upon them on a daily basis over the years. "Two days before my 5th birthday, I was sick with fever, and my mom, if you can even call her that, left me all alone with 2 dogs and an episode of 'Oswald.' And when she got back, she even told me I couldn't have ice cream for breakfast. How can she-- I'm sorry, this is too much, I cannot speak any further."
Then little Emily, still with signature chignon, will get up, lower the microphone to her height, and bellow, "MAMA, BAD BOY. <points to head> OWIE. OH BOOOY."
Come to think of it, the axe swings both ways. At 4 in the morning, Little Miss Dainty decided to punch me in the face to let me know that she shit all over the bed. Oh man, it was a worst nightmare situation: poo in her hair, on the sheets, on the comforter, on her panda bear. After I bathed her, put some towels down on the bed, and replaced the blankets, she fell back to sleep immediately, murmuring "You're still a no-good bitch." Harrumph! Honestly, I think I deserve better! I'll leave once I save up some money.
PS: Hot off the presses! Emily caught on tape saying "Oh booooy." And giving me some major sass as well:
