Geisha School Dropout

An Open Letter to My Home State

Dear Southern California,

I've been seeing some smug-ass tweets about how warm it is over there.  You can take your 79-degree pieces of global warming and shove it up your tanorexic bums.

Sincerely,
The Mangs

 

 

 

Halp, I Has a Scared

I am totally freaked out, guys!  Now I KNOW Emi is fucking with us! Look at what I caught her doing last night!!!

I have the total heebie jeebies. Hold me.

Give Him Something to Believe In

(You're welcome for the Poison reference.  You can watch the music video here.)

Isaac has been convinced lately that he is a bad kid.  He does have a mountain of evidence, since everyday we get on his case about something: for forgetting his jacket at school, for splashing in the puddles after we told him 5 times not to, for interrupting us when we're talking, etc.  It's not like we are totally hard on him, but he's taking the reprimands more to heart now, and even more disturbingly, he rejects positive feedback.

Anyway, with the holidays quickly approaching, Isaac asked me one day if he was on Santa's nice list or naughty list this year.  I asked him what he thought and he said without any doubt that he was naughty.  "Oh I dunno, Isaac, Santa doesn't care if you do naughty things from time to time, he just looks for whether you WANT to be good or not."  But no, Isaac said he doesn't even want to be good.  So all I could promise him was that I'd email Santa and maybe if he had time, Santa would write me back and let me know.

Coincidentally, my blog friend Renee alerted me to these free videos from Santa. She lives in Canada, so the URL for us Amurcans is http://portablenorthpole.tv/home. The video is very well-done, and you can customize it with your child's name, your hometown, and you can upload a picture and tell Santa what your kid wants for Christmas, among other things.  Even cooler, if your kid's name is common enough, Santa will even SAY his/her name, which is ultra-magical.  There are even separate versions for younger and older kids, as well as teens and adults who could handle actually being on the Naughty List.

So Saturday morning, I excitedly woke Isaac up and told him Santa had something to say to him!  He looked so nervous, bless his heart!  And the video started, and when Santa said, "Can you hear me, Isaac?" he stammered, "Y-y-yes, Santa!"  There was no room for skepticism when Santa showed him on a map that he knew where we lived; Isaac was thoroughly convinced. 

Then, when he saw his picture and his name in Santa's book, he started to cry.  And when Santa confirmed that Isaac was indeed a good boy because he tried extra-hard this year to be nice to his sister, Isaac started bawling with shock and relief.  When it was done, I asked him if he wanted to hear Santa's message again, but he said no, he didn't want to bother Santa during the busiest time of the year.  And we hugged and kissed and snuggled and laughed.  He was absolutely transformed.

I was deeply moved as well!  I guess we've gotten to a point where Mom and Dad's approval doesn't appear to be completely unconditional anymore, and since we don't worship a God or any other impartial judge of character, Santa just rose to the occasion and did so beautifully.  I learned that Isaac needs a "From a Distance, the World Looks Blue and Green" type of all-seeing, all-loving, all-forgiving eagle eye in his life in order to have a sense of self separate from us.  That is some major food for thought right there.

You can watch Isaac's video here!

The Benz Conundrum

Because I live a sadistically charmed life, a 2001 Mercedes-Benz E320 now lives on my driveway.  Anyone who knows me even a little bit should understand why I consider this a (relatively minor, admittedly first world) problem.  I like to Keep It Real, I'm not really into bling, especially considering I grew up as a SoCal Korean girl.  I also try not to usher in environmental apocalypse whenever I can, so I definitely would not normally drive a gas-guzzler.

However, despite my bohemian leanings, here It sits.  (Yes, I named the car It.)  It actually belonged to my mom, and when my dad finally gave into her 5 years of nagging and upgraded her to an S-class monstrosity, they assumed they'd trade It in.  However, the dealer tried to screw them over and only offered $4,000 for it, which they found to be just plain disrespectful.  So they offered it to us for the same price, knowing our VW was on its very last of its 9 lives.  And when we hesitated, they said "Fine!  $2,000, now take the damn car and get outta here, you thieves!"  So, here It sits.

My friend RJ couldn't help but dig in a few zingers:

I am definitely not a Mercedes-class person (i.e., monocled Lady Moneybags).  In fact, just this morning, I had to offer the banh mi lady an IOU because I didn't have $5 cash.  I'm a regular, so she knew I'm good for the amount next time, but man, I was mortified as I drove away from Paris Baguette in a fucking Benzo.

Now people who drive similar-ranking luxury cars acknowledge my existence, and it just feels unnatural.  The fact that we drive similar cars does not guarantee we have anything more in common, especially value systems.  I don't want to know the hideous thoughts you harbor regarding Mexican immigrants, for example (keep in mind that I don't consider all drivers of luxury vehicles to be blowhards, just the ones that now approach me and say weird shit).  And no, I'm not interested in your mutual fund simply because we are standing next to each other at the car wash, unless your shares come in $5 increments and you can give one to the banh mi lady.

I considered buying a bumper sticker that says "This car only cost $2000," but that would be pathetic.  I also considered selling the car, but I know it would hurt my parents' feelings, as in, "What?  Even a discounted Mercedes isn't good enough for Miss Self-Righteous Booty over here?"  (Please don't answer that question.)  So for now at least we are stuck with It, and hopefully I'll get to a point where I won't feel so uncomfortable and look at It for what It is: a car with a working electrical system and windows that actually open and close correctly.

Pedicure Oddity

So here I am at some random nail salon near my house, when in walks this man. He's tall, old, has one of those booming voices that echo through sitting rooms. He's not obviously gay or otherwise appearance-conscious. Yet he greets every employee by name and knows standard pedicure protocol, so obviously he's a regular. His feet seem relatively well-taken-care-of.

At the risk of sounding sexist, why is he here? And how did he discover the joys of the SoCal twenty dollar pedicure? Inquiring minds want to know!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I was knocked out yesterday with food poisoning, so I apologize for not getting back to any of yesterday's comments!  Dialogue shall commence this weekend, hopefully.  I'm may be up, but my brain, not so much.

Happy Thanksgiving!  Here are our token pilgrim and indian, courtesy of our local American public school:

BANANA Peels

 
Lac Su

A Geisha School Dropout meets an Angry Asian Man

I had absolutely no idea what to expect when I entered USC through its only open gate (which I found so strange, are there other colleges that do that?).  I only knew one thing: the panel would be blogger-star-studded, with myself being chump change in comparison and the only mommy blogger.  Most of the other panelists wrote about racial and cultural issues, so I tried to bone up on my Asian American studies before attending.  Other than that, I was ill prepared; I even forgot to bring my MOO cards.

Every single person I met was a delight.  We mingled as the crew prepared the lecture hall for showtime, and half an hour after the official start time, we introduced ourselves to our audience.  The other panelists were obviously intelligent, well-spoken, thoughtful, and passionate, and I was excited to share the stage with them.  I sat between Byron of BigWOWO (and Rice Daddies) and Phil of Angry Asian Man, so I knew I needed to bring it in order to earn the seat.

Then the panel discussion commenced, and I dunno, call me Pollyanna, but until then I had NO IDEA that there was any animosity between several different factions of the Asian American blogging world.  Basically, the men thought Asian American women play an active role in the emasculation of the Asian American male by dating and marrying non-Asian (and let's face it, mostly white) men in increasing numbers, and the women were offended by the unrealistic, sexist, and ultimately dangerous stereotypes they are expected to play in order to be considered Asian and feminine enough.  Also, the political bloggers dismissed the pop culture blogs as fluff pieces, which was ironic because they were mostly male while the pop culture writers were mostly female, therefore kinda proving the women's point.  It struck me in the gut a bit, since I have always gotten along better with men throughout my life, and considered myself one of the guys in many contexts, but none of my guy friends ever talked to me about this issue, so I guess I was fooling myself while silently they resented me and my multi-culti bevy of bedmates.  However, in spite of my personal hang-ups, I was so proud of these Asian American men and women engaging in compelling debate.  We have indeed come a long way from the stereotype of the inscrutable Oriental.

Shortly after all that, Militantgate happened.  The Minority Militant got extremely pissed in the British sense and left the stage in the middle of a discussion.  He staggered up to the food table to drink some more, then sat in the audience for some time, yelling "West Siiiiiiide!" and throwing some signs for a few minutes before his girlfriend escorted him outside.  He then tried to sneak back in a couple times, but eventually left for good.  Having only read a few posts of his before the conference, I naturally assumed this was all a big Fuck You to the overly-intellectualized mental masturbation that is the bread and butter of the panel-based symposium.  In other people's post-mortems, the trend seemed to be the closer you sat to him (and therefore the more you were subjected to the wine breath), the more outraged you were by his behavior; I was very far from him, so I thought it was very punk rock.

When it was over, I was replenished with a sense of awe at the possibility and promise of my generation of Asian Americans that I had lost in my college years.  Maybe it was the specific people around me at the time, but I just thought my colleagues were just content to become personally successful and not really sweat it about making a bigger impact, but my fellow panelists proved me wrong.  It made me wish I knew them back then, and a bit wistful at the lost opportunity.  But hey, I ain't dead yet; if any of them need a helping hand, I'll definitely offer one, albeit one covered in baby shit.

So, to sum up, I am taking BANANA for what it is: a metaphor.  I choose to enjoy the good stuff and will discard the less palatable peel.  Concentrating on the peel denies the life-giving goodness within, and at the same time, the fruit is not complete without the peel.

Thanks so much, Lac and Steve, for inviting me to witness the start of something very, very big.

Here are links to other posts about BANANA:
Gil from Nikkei View
Nelson from AARisings
Jon Yang

PS: Photos can be seen here, and I'm sure videos will be up soon.

Exotic on the Speaker

Did I say I was down yesterday?  Well that was before I heard THIS:

That chick on the mike, Rye Rye?  Just amazing.

  

On another cool note, I have been quoted!  My opinion-spewing on Spc. Alexis Hutchinson caught the attention of BlogHer's political director, Morra Aarons Mele.  One of the tastiest morsels from Ms. Mele's piece:

The Army says it is exploring all options and will "do right by the situation." I hope so. But what Hutchinson faced is what so many women deal with daily: a boss who doesn’t get it, or just doesn’t care. A lack of options for an affordable, trustworthy place for your baby to go while you’re at work, a family far away, and zero options to work and have a baby. No mother should have to choose between providing for her family and foster care.

FMP

 
FMP = Fuck My Pancreas

I've been feeling down lately.  It is very likely now that I have diabetes.  There are a couple more tests to go, but I can market my piss as the latest natural soda, there's so much sugar in it.

Now I know how I'll most likely die.  That is a strange feeling, let me tell you!  And although chances are I'll be fine for many years to come (especially if I lose some fucking weight, which up to this point is the one thing on earth I can't seem to do), it makes me choke when I utter sentences in the future tense and makes tears well up when I talk to my kids.

FMP.  Seriously.  Just goatse the useless motherfucker and call its mom to drive it home.

But!  When life hands me lemons, the Geisha School Dropout makes sugar-free lemon cream pie (can you eat cream as a diabetic?).  I will now bestow upon you a gift my friend gives to me quite regularly: the Joyful Meditation.

5 things that were good:

1. Emily has just amazed me with her vocabulary growth.  Just yesterday she was bossing me around a coloring book, "Color the monkey, mommy!  No!  Color him RED!  I don't want a blue monkey.  NO DADDY, MOMMY DO IT!"  She Tarzan, me Smitten.

2. Tim and I had our first parent-teacher conference and Mrs. K proclaimed Isaac to be quite the star pupil!  He is strongest at math, but his reading is coming along nicely, and he is making friends and having fun.  Whew!  One really cute way she tracks student progress is this monthly story they have to write with an accompanying picture.  For September, Isaac drew Mrs. K and wrote "I like Mrs. K."  For October, he drew a beautiful black cat and wrote, "I like cats.  I like Halloween bcs I cn se th mun is shin."  (because I can see the moon is shining)  Isn't that cute?  The kid is trying!

3. In the same vein, Isaac recently wrote me a card that says "I hop u gt wel swn" and a picture of my head sticking out a little cocoon of blankets.

4.The kids have been introduced to "Pee Wee's Playhouse" and they LOOOOOOVE IT.  And to be perfectly honest, I've been enjoying the DVDs as well.  The man is a genius, and I will actually see him live in January, hooray!

5. Wow, 4 good things about my kids!  :)  Seriously, things at home are smooth sailing compared to previous quarters.  I declare the familial recession to be over; good times, here we come.

3 things I did well:

1. I am continuing to work out, albeit a bit irregularly because of my bronchitis thing.  Some days I feel like I can breathe and some days I can't, but I've been going to the gym 2-3 times a week for a few weeks now.  W00t.

2. I am religiously volunteering every Thursday in Isaac's classroom!  It is so much fun.  Today I taught the kindergartners the valuable game of "Jump Over the Wriggling Snake" using a jump rope.  I actually got admonished for riling the kids up when recess was about to end, but fight the power!!!!!

3. Ever since I got The News that I may be one step closer to Wilford Brimley (for reference, see below), I've been really good about observing what I eat.  I generally eat well and will be even better now; I think I'll be okay.

 

2 things I am looking forward to:

1.This Saturday I am going to be representing the Kimchi Mamas at BANANA, an APA blogger symposium at USC.  Apparently it will be filmed, so future generations will get to witness the ever-elusive Outspoken Overweight Korean Female in her natural habitat.  Please come!  Lots of famous online personalities will be there, including Angry Asian Man and Hyphen Magazine.

2. I love the conversations we have in the comments section.  It's like our very own symposium!  Now that explains why I'm drunk on Ouzo and wearing a bedsheet pinned at my shoulder.

Sigh, I feel a bit better now.  Do you?

More on Spc. Alexis Hutchinson

Public outcry pressured the Army not to ship Spc. Hutchinson out on the 15th, hooray! 

Courage to Resist posted a longer article on the situation along with quotes from Spc. Hutchinson and her mother.  They also mentioned that conservative talk show hosts have already picked up her story and are knocking on her status as a single mother of color!!!  They "boldly" question whether people would care of Spc. Hutchinson was a man, and hello!  I think there would be an even BIGGER furor if a single dad (and for the sake of argument, make him a single white dad) had his child taken away, not because he was defecting, but because he needed more time to find another caregiver during his deployment.  Everyone, including aforementioned conservative talk show hosts, would be clamoring to care for that baby.

It seems like now the battle will be a legal one, and they are asking for donations to build up the case and to support the family during this crisis time.

Man, my blood is a-boilin'!