Geisha School Dropout

Lessons Learned in Japan

1. Japan has weird post-apocalyptic nanotech insects. 

Check out this ladybug, the colors are reversed!  It looks like one of those souped up Honda Civics!

And this moth/dragonfly/robot hybrid creature looks just like a hummingbird.  WTF.  (A quick Google search identifies this as a "Snowberry Clearwing".  I say it's the return of Mothra.)

2. We are a 3-futon family.  What that means is Tim and I get crammed onto one while the kids roll around their futons, then onto the bare tatami, then eventually crash into the shoji screen doors, waking up the entire house including the soul of Tim's grandmother living in the shrine closet behind us.

3. It is never too early to educate your children on the atrocities done by the Japanese imperialists in Korea.  Look at our poor little Emily weeping at the Emperor's Gate over her conflicted ancestry!  

Actually, Emily's misery was entirely her own. She was apparently so traumatized by this point, she was clinging onto her pacifier, blankie, AND a stuffed animal for comfort at all times, and could not even bear to stand on her own two feet anywhere.  Every time someone spoke to her in Japanese she would bawl.  Very embarrassing for us, but there was really nothing we could do at that point other than drag her wailing ass with us everywhere.

4. Japan has no lack for cute-crazy-quirky things to distract you with.

Even the cemeteries TOTTEMO quirky DESU!!!!!!!!!!

Cemetery cat guards your eternal soul between naps.

Knit caps for the three stone Buddhas

5. Japanese people never exactly mean what they exactly say.  For example, from the beginning, my MIL almost always introduced me with "Doesn't she have nice skin?  And she's so smart, you can talk to her about anything."  I recently found out what she actually meant is that I'm ugly and lazy; like if I was actually good-looking she would say I was beautiful, not point out the only non-vomit-inducing characteristic about me, and the reason why I'm so smart and good at conversation is because I sit on my ass all day reading shit and not catering to people's needs.

A more positive example occurred when we were at Shibuya Station to board the Narita Express.  We had 40 minutes before the train departed (they run every hour), so Mo, a friend of Tim's, offered to take me shopping to buy some souvenirs since up to that point we hadn't had the opportunity.  I asked for Hello Kitty, and she said "We have 10-15 minutes to get there, then 10-15 minutes shopping, then 10-15 minutes to get back."  That sounded really tight to me, so I asked her if she was absolutely positive we have time, and she cheerfully said "YES!  Of course!" 

So off we went, through the maze underground, then above ground, until we arrived at the shop, and I shopped my little heart out.  I asked after what seemed like 5 minutes if we needed to leave, and I was always greeted with a confident smile and a "We have time!"  When I finally checked out, Mo was frantically texting her mom, who was with Tim and the kids back at the station.  When I asked what was wrong, she smiled and said, "We must run."  It took us 15 minutes walking at a brisk pace to navigate to the store, now we had less than 10 minutes to make it back.  Holy Jeebus.  I actually RAN, folks...ran through the turnstiles, past salarymen who cracked up at the 100-kg behemoth dragging $200 worth of Hello Kitty crap behind her, clutching onto the waistband of her falling jeans, while Mo, in hot pants and kitten heels urged me to "run a little fast, please."  Once we reached the platform with a minute to spare, I had to stop, I was so winded.  I glared at the conductor, who glared back, waving his white-gloved hand in a "HURRY UP HEIFER" motion, daring him to close the doors on me.  He didn't.  Tim was cracking up too hard to lecture me, and I spent most of the ride trying not to vomit.  This was a hard-earned lesson to not trust a word Japanese people say, and helped me resolve to start some kind of exercise routine if I got back home in one piece.

A Day in the Life

Yesterday was awesome.  I took the day off because Isaac's daycare was on vacation, and we had a very decadent, exciting day!

11:30 Sushi lunch with Uncle Django

1:00 Isaac played at our neighbor's house while Daddy and Uncle Django played "How Many Ivy League Graduates Does It Take To Get a Squirrel Trapped in the House Out of Said House."  Maggie apparently had some company over while we were at lunch, and this poor squirrel was just throwing itself at the windows over and over again while we were standing and talking outside.  We heard the clangs about a dozen times when my brain reminded me that Maggie is not tall enough to reach the windows, and my suspicions turned into all-out horror when I saw the squirrel's body splayed all over the glass for a millisecond before sliding down like Scrat from "Ice Age."  Tim and Django whooped and hollered at our visitor until it flew out the front door, poor thing.

2:30 Isaac and I headed off to South Coast Plaza for some carousel rides, ice cream, pajama shopping, and fountain gazing.  He did so well, in fact, that I took the chance and got made over at shu uemura and gave him my iPhone to keep him company on a lip-shaped couch.  He decided to take pictures of the "weird stuff" in the store; here are some choice shots:

5:30 We headed home with some French bakery goodies and fresh strawberries for a cute little indoor picnic. Emi ended up biting the tips off all the strawberries, but graciously allowed us to partake in her leftovers. She also hoovered down a chocolate croissant like nobody's business. A dinner fit for a diva.

7:00 Discovered this gem. What can I say, other than it's about time a documentary of my life arrived on the silver screen:

9:00 Felt a little guilty about having too much fun, so I stayed up to do 4 loads of laundry. Still felt wired afterwards, so I popped a Vicodin at midnight and commenced having the weirdest dreams, but they helped me sort out some of the worries in my brain.

You Can't Get Out of the Game

He sang like an angel...

Danced like the devil...

And rocked a little Korean immigrant girl's world so many years ago, dancing in her bedroom, singing along phonetically to lyrics she didn't understand, wearing her dad's red leather jacket and sunglasses, trying to snap her fingers to "Beat It."

It's been a day and I still can't believe he's gone.  After all the leering and jeering during the past 15 years, it may turn out that he was just a pill-popper.  That plus a fucked up childhood, plus never having the opportunity to grow up properly and learn the norms of the world, plus unimaginable wealth -- all of these factors more than explain the eccentricity in my book.  And as I listen to the music again, all I feel is loss.  We lost one of the last remaining members of the old school tribe of entertainers: the hardest-working kind.  Fred Astaire, Frank Sinatra, James Brown, now Michael Jackson.

One of my favorite MJ performances has got to be "You Can't Win" from "The Wiz."  If you haven't seen this fantastic adaptation of "The Wizard of Oz" starring Diana Ross as Dorothy yet, you are missing out on something very special.  And the following clip will look really, really strange to you...but believe me when I say in the context of the movie, it made perfect sense and was impeccably performed and incredibly charming.

Oh Mary don't you weep, don't you mourn...
I may be right, I may be wrong
I know you're gonna miss me when I am gone...

The Must-Have Accessory for Summer: Me!

The folks at Bacardi Israel sure know how to sell to women: pit them against other women and prey on their insecurities!  In their latest marketing campaign, Bacardi educates us on how to look absolutely flawless this summer: get a bevy of ugly girlfriends!  Then for sure you'll be the hottest girl at the party.  Genius.

If you flip through their digital booklet, you'll see that they are surprisingly inclusive in their definitions of ugliness: there are 2 fat girls and 2 skinny girls; blonde, redhead, olive, and brunette.  Their descriptions of these girls leave little to the imagination:

• Sally -- 97 kilograms of femininity, strength, and double chins
• Daisy's aquiline nose and tangled eyebrows will make you the most desirable piece of meat around the grill
• Wendy is the right accessory for you!  Including horse-like features, a noticeable limp and super-active sweat glands
• Lucy's rubbing thighs, magically combined with a sticking out jaw and drooping breasts, will turn any trip to the mall into an unforgettable experience.  Shop like never before, with your own freckled pile of cellulite!

And to top it all off, check out the cover girl:

Holy crap, look familiar???

What makes me the most upset is that these girls are all dolled up and look like they're having such a great time, as if being "ugly" also makes you so naive and stupid as to not realize you're being used to make your "friend" feel better about herself.  Ugh.

My question is this: is this ad campaign from outer space, created by people who are so out of touch with reality as to think women will be inspired to drink more sugary pseudo-beverages from this hateful crap, or do women really think like this?  I really hope it's the former.

(Thanks to Jezebel for the heads-up and the image.)

Jeju Island

I wrote up a quickie kid-friendly travel guide to Jeju Island on Kimchi Mamas.  There's also links to our picture albums.

One thing I didn't tell them, though, and I'll tell you guys, is the story of The Green Lady.  The Green Lady is my aunt's cousin, who through some mysterious ways is The Queen of Jeju Island.  Seriously, maybe this lady is in the mafia or something, but she owns the place.  She got all the visiting family members suites at this swank hotel for severely discounted prices, and instructed our tourguide to spare no expense on our behalf.  She took us to these unmarked restaurants that specialized in Jeju-exclusive species of seafood (eel, abalone, all kinds of fishes, all unimaginably fresh and delicious), some may even have been contraband, who knows.  And she showered upon us Jeju-exclusive produce, including these mangoes she referred to as "apple mangoes" that were seriously orgasmic.  I was chewing my fingers just to get the last morsels.  And to top it all off, wherever we were, even when we were making spontaneous plans, the Green Lady would already be there waiting for us, making sure everything was perfect.

When it was time for us to go back, she made sure that our bags were checked in first-class so they'd be the first ones out once we landed in Seoul.  She bid us farewell, and we thought that was the end of it, but no -- we were given this VIP service through security, and we even got a ride to the gate!!!  The same treatment came to us when we landed in Seoul, it was really freaky.  We half-expected The Green Lady to be waiting for us at the gate when we arrived, but her spirit was there, guiding us through Kimpo and Incheon airports without a hitch.

The Green Lady is the first lady on the right...and just look at the restaurant she hooked us up with to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday!  And that crazy presidential-looking banner?  It's for him.

My First White Hairs

You're probably wondering what the hell you're supposed to be looking at right now, but I'm too excited to wait for a better camera to come my way. I've avoided the whitening of my hair thus far, after my first year of teaching, after the births of my first and second children, after the Bush Administration and all the other events people warned me about. But here they are! My first white hairs. Oddly, they are not on my head, but they stand erect out of my arm like rogue warriors. But I'll take what I can get. I haven't been this excited about my body since I sprouted breasts!

My Halmuni

One of the highlights of our Korea trip was visiting my last surviving grandparent, my mom's mom, who I call halmuni.  She is 95 going on 50, and although her hearing's on the outs, she's still as sharp as a whip.  Don't let these pictures fool you: the lady looks like a sweet 85-pound bundle of cuddliness, but she will cut a bitch when it comes down to two things: heaven help you if you try to help her in any way, or if you're fat.  Unfortunately for me, I am guilty on both charges.

After bowing to her and seeing her chuckle as the kids did the same, she grabbed my arm like a vise and mumbled, "Something this thick should be a leg!"  I giggled nervously, saying yes, I will lose weight.  "Yes you should, you look pregnant for goodness' sake!"  Then she slapped my thigh and chuckled at the sound it made. 

Later on in the visit, she got up really quickly from the ground, like super-ninja-fast.  So I instinctively reached over to help her and she karate-chopped my hands away, again mumbling, "Don't hurt yourself."

My halmuni kicks ass.

My mom, my uncle's wife, my uncle (older by 16 years), my grandma, and my aunt (older by 12 years)

Plane in the Ass

My little Emily, as we all know by now, is an especially screechy 2-year-old.  In a perfect universe, she would not be allowed to travel at all.  But unfortunately for her, she is part of our nuclear family, and the nuclear family had to go to Korea and Japan, so off she went.  There were 3 distinct portions of the trip, each with its own circles of hell: the plane rides, Seoul/Jeju Island, then Yamaguchi/Tokyo.  I'll start with the plane rides; here are the lessons learned from taking our ear-splitting toddler across the Pacific Ocean and back (with a few Sea of Japan puddle jumps in between).

1. We packed the obvious stuff like enough diapers for a whole day, wipes, a change of clothing for each member of the family (in case someone vomited all over everyone else), a changing pad, enough sippy cups for a day, snacks, etc.  But a few non-obvious things that really, really came in handy: toddler-sized spoon and fork (especially in Asia where apparently no one has children and people will hand you a 2-pound spoon and a pair of chopsticks for your 2-year-old); pacifiers and security blanket EVEN IF your toddler got over them because if Emi is even remotely typical, your kid will revert to old comfort methods; the Cheerios that come in plastic bowls (and I imagine those add-water-only cups of Easy Mac would come in really handy for picky eaters); and holy jeebus, if your toddler enjoys TV at all, bring 4 portable DVD players because the bastards only have 2 hours of power each.  We also loaded an old iPod with a bunch of movies and TV shows, and that was awesome.  Even within the same airline, some routes have personal entertainment systems on each seat and some don't, and we totally got screwed when our Narita->LAX leg was screenless.  Magna-Doodles and books didn't hold our kids' attention for more than a few minutes.

2. If your kid is a crybaby in "normal" life, they will definitely cry on the flight over.  Just stop hoping for the impossible right now and come up with a coping strategy when your kid is The Annoying Squalling Kid when everyone else is trying to sleep.  Things we tried that didn't really work to save our pride but I think helped shorten her outbursts: bribery with surprise gifts and stickers, taking the kid into the lavatory and threatening to stay there for the entire rest of the trip unless they stop crying, fanning the overheated crier, and the last-ditch stowing the child in the footwell.  I'm serious, guys!  It was actually Emi's idea...she wanted to flop down on the ground one time and we noticed that being down there muffled the cries really well.  So she hung out there for a few minutes and she eventually became a happy little clam in her little space.  Go figure.

3. Try not to offer walking your toddler up and down the aisle until the last resort.  Because she will want to walk over and over and over again, and not understand why she can't do it when the seatbelt light is on and therefore revert to #2.  Plus, if they're playing a movie on a central screen and the other passengers keep seeing you and your brat passing them by, they'll get annoyed.

4. If there's another fussy kid anywhere near you, sometimes your feeling smug when their kid is the one who's crying for no reason at all will get you through the next hour or so.

5. Sooner or later, the kiddo will sleep.  The length and depth of sleep seems to correlate with how readily your child will sleep on a car trip (Emi doesn't sleep in the car, and she didn't sleep that great, although Isaac does and did).  During those precious hours, you need to refresh yourself for the upcoming second round.  After you do that, sleep for god's sake.  I didn't, and I was useless by the end of the ride!  Remember that after the actual trip you will have customs and immigration to get through, not to mention the potentially-hellish trip to your lodging, so conserve your strength.

6.  If you are traveling to Asia, don't expect the following things to be available on the plane: apple or grape juice (KAL only had orange, pineapple, and tomato), milk, straws, electrical outlets, hand soap.  However, they will have a hidden stash of toys, candy, and even cookies or cake for the squeaky wheels as well as an unending supply of hot towels for cleaning grubby hands.  Don't be shy in asking for help, the stewardesses are very pretty, graceful androids programmed to cater to everyone's comfort.  They will even let you get out of your seat when the seatbelt light is on to calm your toddler inside the lavatory or in the aisles if it means giving the other passengers a break.  And if your kid is amenable to it, they will even take her off your hands while you go to the bathroom and cry your own eyes out.

I'm Not Dead...Yet

I just spent the last two weeks traveling in Korea and Japan with the whole family, and just the fact that I didn't liveblog anything will tell you how hectic and hellish the journey was.  I'm not pointing any fingers, except for my middle ones towards the general direction of Emi, my 2-year-old albatross.

Many, many pictures and stories are to come, but for now my jet-lagged brain can only muster a whiny "Gonnichiwaaaaa" and this vital take-home lesson:

Look Mom! I'm a Kimchi Mama!

I am strutting like a cock on top of a henhouse!  Here is my introductory post on Kimchi Mamas.  I'm so excited to join this group of moms, and be sure to commend them for making an excellent choice in the comments. 

Just kidding...I think everyone is a little nervous about having such a loose cannon on the blogroll, so I'll be on my best behavior there.  :P

Things have been pretty quiet around here.  The Riley mourning comes and goes in waves, but I can already feel myself getting better overall.  Here's some pictures of the kiddos to thank you all for being so supportive and loving.